I'm an amazing friend. 1950's Supermom was going out of town for a weekend, and she needed me to take care of my God children. Of course, everyone questioned her decision in asking me to take care of her young ones but that's because they don't know that I'm the Kid Whisperer. I was so excited too. Goldie, my precious sweet angel dog, was going, and we were going to have FUN. I didn't have any activites planned, but that's because I'm the Kid Whisperer and I don't have to.
So, my sweet friend told me the time frame which I would be babysitting a while back. The closer we got to the days when I would be babysitting, times started to change. First she started calling me several days before I was to arrive and started prepping me on what to do and would leave the conversation saying "I'll call you in a little bit when I think of something else". This girl knows I have anxiety issues, so I'm not real sure what level she wanted my anxiety on when I arrived. Second, she told me I needed to be an hour earlier than we previously discussed. Then she changed it to an even earlier hour the day before what I've now donned as Doomsday. As soon as Doomsday arrives, sh** hit the fan. Anal Adam found out my car was leaking oil because the dumb asses at the oil place didn't but the oil cap on. I had to wait on them to clean up the mess before I could go to 1950's Supermom's house. Has anyone been around a mother of 2 whose schedule has screwed up?? Don't defend yourself, don't say anything, just get your ass where you're supposed to be and do everything she says and do it quick. She showed me my Nanny Guide, the chocolate milks location, and other essential places I needed to familiarize myself with, and she ran out the door. Now, it was just the Kid Whisperer, a 3 and a half year old, and a nine month old.
Everything was going perfectly. I fed the kids on time and then we all took a nap. When the baby woke up, I fed him a bottle like I was supposed to. Then, I read in the fine print of the Nanny Guide that nap time was actually supposed to be 2 hours later then when I put him down. He was drinking the bottle when he was supposed to be napping. Damn it! Then Addie poo wakes up, and she informs me the thunder woke her up and scared her and she had an accident in the bed. What kind of freaking accident?? Huge pee spot kind of accident. No problem. Cleaned the sheets, took her clothes off, and said "Now let's go clean your booty." All of a sudden she looks at me and says, "You said a bad word." I was like, no I didn't, I know I didn't say "shit", "damn", "hell", or "ass". My stupid ass asked her what bad word did I say and she said, "Well I'm not going to say it." Apparently "booty" is a bad word. Booty will not be a bad word in my house because I almost didn't know what other word to use instead of that, which would be "bottom".
My mom and Anal Adam came over that night for 3 seconds before they just had to leave. Rude! The baby was down for the night, and I was putting Addie Poo down. She didn't want to sleep on her own, and she was not going to bed until I came in there. I was asleep by 8:30 on a Friday night.
The next morning started off at 6:30. I'm trying to entertain, make breakfast, and stay awake. At one point I tried to put the baby down at all the different times my Nanny Guide told me he naps. He wasn't going down and Addie poo was now starting to cry telling me she loves her mommy and wants to see her. At this point I'm thinking, "SHIT!!" I called 1950's Supermom and told her if I didn't have any coffee in me, I wasn't going to make it. The baby finally went down, and Addie poo decided my dog was enough entertainment to make her not cry about mommy.
I decided I wanted to take the kids out of the house and go see Seester and maybe go to a kid friendly sandwich place to eat. We went to see Seester, and she and Walk On didn't have anything to do with the kids because it was lunch time. Seester was supposed to be so excited to see those little bundles of joy and she didn't not move from her plate of food, so we left. We then went to Newk's. It took me 10 minutes to open the damn stroller and another 15 on how to get the baby strapped in. Where's the rocket scientist when you need one?? This stupid stroller was made to make mothers feel bad about themselves. The straps that go over the shoulders didn't even have snaps so I had to stare at the end pieces of all 75 straps to figure out what hooks where. Then there was the maneuvering aspect of the stroller. I think I ran into every persons chair in there. The stupid POS stroller never went where I wanted it to go and I looked like a huge jack ass knocking it into everything in sight. Thanks a lot GRACO for making a stroller that made me look like Mommy Dearest while trying to drive it! I also went down what seemed like a one way street in a restaurant trying to get to a booth. I realized how stupid I was half way down the aisle because I noticed the stroller was going to block all traffic flow. Addie poo and I had to back out of the aisle as I explained to everyone I was just a babysitter because I was so embarrassed and I wanted everyone to know I wasn't a real mom.
We finally sat down at a corner table where I was trying to hide, and they brought us our food. The baby wanted to grab everything he saw that he couldn't have (knives, forks) , and he wanted to throw the stuff he could (spoons, sippy cups). Addie poo wanted to sit close to us but everytime she moved close baby brother wanted to take her stuff. FYI, for all you mothers to be out there or babysitters, when you take kids to a restaurant you don't get to eat.
My nanny shift ended at 3:40pm that day, not noon like my lying friend said it would! The sad thing is that my God children are amazing and the only problems that came about were because I'm a moron. One day I'm going to have children, but I think after this posting I won't hear that many people ask me when I'm going to start trying. I love you Addie Poo and Buddy!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Captain D Bag and the Demon Knife
A couple of things have been going on in my life recently, such as knife fights with myself and meeting a loser. The other week I went to play doubles tennis with my friends EBO, Becky, and Walk On. After I won both my matches because I'm amazing I took my friend EBO out for a beer. I had to buy the beer because I won my matches and she lost hers. It really didn't make sense, but I was so excited I was awesome I didn't care. While we were sitting there we had a couple of gentlemen sit next to us. One was a quiet older man who seemed like a gentle kitten. The other was a loud mouth weird ass who made up what he did for a living because he's so funny that I'd rather have razors inserted into my ears than listen to him.
Captain D Bag gave EBO and I this rather sad story about how he came to live in Jackson and that he didn't have any friends. EBO checked out of his sob story long ago, but I was ready and willing to pick Captain D Bag up out of his misery and make his life in Jackson better. I got his number, told him he and my husband were going to be the best of buds, and I was going to invite him to the Beerfest. First of all, my husband would have kicked my ass if I brought this guy around him because his voice level never goes lower than a 50. Second of all, what the hell is wrong with me. Obviously he's been in Jackson for over 5 years without any friends for a reason. Captain D Bag got worse as the night went on. He told EBO and I he would love to drink our dirty bathwater, and he said "Why are all the hot bitches f'ing married? I mean damn it!" After saying this he proceeded to rip his shirt open exposing his gold chain and sexy pot belly. Needless to say, I wasn't going to invite him with us to the Beerfest. When he was about to leave he asked me on a lunch date. I was furious!! Apparently, he thought I was a d bag like him and his response was "So you love your husband that much?" Really, Captain D Bag!! If the guy from Saw kidnapped us together and made me choose from sawing my hands and feet off or staying and talking to you, my hands and feet go no questions asked!
So anyway, I get home and I'm starving. Anal Adam's up so I tell him the story while making a sandwich. I might as well have been talking to our dogs as much as he was listening. He went to bed, but I was still hungry. I decided I was going to eat some smoked gouda cheese on bread with butter on it. Yum!! I got out the knife Anal Adam sharpens everyday, and decided to cut me a few pieces of cheese with the knife from Hell. The knife slipped and attacked my left hand. I had a huge, deep laceration on my pointer finger by my finger nail and another cut on my knuckle. My finger had no chance against the demon possessed knife. I ran in the bedroom to show Anal Adam what had happened to me, and he said it wasn't a big deal and to go to sleep. Damn him!! I actually could feel my heartbeat in my finger. I wrapped it in paper towels, went to sleep on the couch with my finger elevated, and prayed I would make it to the morning. That morning Anal Adam and I were going to take a look at the cut. Some of the paper towel was stuck to the wound, and as I tried to take it off I felt this horrible pain and everything went black. I took 3 Aleve, and almost went to the ER to get them to put me under so they could stitch me up. EBO had to come over that night to clean the wound, and I almost clawed her eyes out with my right hand. All in all, for the damage that was done by the Demon knife, I think I handled everything well. 2 days later I stumped my toe and slashed it on my mirror.
The Black Cloud came for me, but as you can see I survived. I have no feeling in the tip of my finger, and Anal Adam won't let me use that knife again. I think in the back of his mind he knows its possessed too.
Captain D Bag gave EBO and I this rather sad story about how he came to live in Jackson and that he didn't have any friends. EBO checked out of his sob story long ago, but I was ready and willing to pick Captain D Bag up out of his misery and make his life in Jackson better. I got his number, told him he and my husband were going to be the best of buds, and I was going to invite him to the Beerfest. First of all, my husband would have kicked my ass if I brought this guy around him because his voice level never goes lower than a 50. Second of all, what the hell is wrong with me. Obviously he's been in Jackson for over 5 years without any friends for a reason. Captain D Bag got worse as the night went on. He told EBO and I he would love to drink our dirty bathwater, and he said "Why are all the hot bitches f'ing married? I mean damn it!" After saying this he proceeded to rip his shirt open exposing his gold chain and sexy pot belly. Needless to say, I wasn't going to invite him with us to the Beerfest. When he was about to leave he asked me on a lunch date. I was furious!! Apparently, he thought I was a d bag like him and his response was "So you love your husband that much?" Really, Captain D Bag!! If the guy from Saw kidnapped us together and made me choose from sawing my hands and feet off or staying and talking to you, my hands and feet go no questions asked!
So anyway, I get home and I'm starving. Anal Adam's up so I tell him the story while making a sandwich. I might as well have been talking to our dogs as much as he was listening. He went to bed, but I was still hungry. I decided I was going to eat some smoked gouda cheese on bread with butter on it. Yum!! I got out the knife Anal Adam sharpens everyday, and decided to cut me a few pieces of cheese with the knife from Hell. The knife slipped and attacked my left hand. I had a huge, deep laceration on my pointer finger by my finger nail and another cut on my knuckle. My finger had no chance against the demon possessed knife. I ran in the bedroom to show Anal Adam what had happened to me, and he said it wasn't a big deal and to go to sleep. Damn him!! I actually could feel my heartbeat in my finger. I wrapped it in paper towels, went to sleep on the couch with my finger elevated, and prayed I would make it to the morning. That morning Anal Adam and I were going to take a look at the cut. Some of the paper towel was stuck to the wound, and as I tried to take it off I felt this horrible pain and everything went black. I took 3 Aleve, and almost went to the ER to get them to put me under so they could stitch me up. EBO had to come over that night to clean the wound, and I almost clawed her eyes out with my right hand. All in all, for the damage that was done by the Demon knife, I think I handled everything well. 2 days later I stumped my toe and slashed it on my mirror.
The Black Cloud came for me, but as you can see I survived. I have no feeling in the tip of my finger, and Anal Adam won't let me use that knife again. I think in the back of his mind he knows its possessed too.
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