This is a warning to the hotmail users. A hacker stole my e-mail stuff and my Facebook stuff, and sent an email to my entire contact list telling them the following:
"I'm stuck in Scotland with my family and all our money and passports were stolen. Please send me $2,500, and I'll explain what happened when I get home.
First of all, my family is divorced and my mom and dad avoid each other like the Plague. Second of all none of my friends would have sent money because they would have been pissed I didn't tell them I went to Scotland. Hackers should really do their homework before completely ruining someone's e-mail life.
The best part about this e-mail farce was that I was getting 2 root canals the day it was sent. My friends and family were calling me asking me what was going on, but they couldn't understand me when I was explaining what had happened because I was barely unable to talk. Oh and I was doped up on pain killers because of my extreme pain. This hacker may think noone knows who he/she is, but God knows and he's going to get you!!!
I'm still unable to get into Hotmail or Facebook, because they don't believe it's me trying to gain access to my own account. The ironic part of that is, is that I'm going to have to become a hacker to gain access to all my stuff. All I have to say is damn it!
Friday, December 31, 2010
CHRISTMAS
I love Christmas so much I could scream. This year Anal Adam and I were the first to get our Christmas tree. Last year we waited too long, and not only did our tree have a huge hole in it, it had about 5 branches. I bought us bells and pins to wear while we were at Lowe's picking out our amazing tree. Anal Adam didn't wear any of his Christmas attire and while I was looking off he had already chosen the tree. We wrapped it up, got it home, and it was probably the smallest tree in the whole lot. I'm 5'2 and I could touch the top. I almost comitted physical abuse on my husband. What was he thinking?? I told him I wanted a Griswald Tree, and he got a practical one. He also thought the tree only needed 2 strands of lights. I put 2 strands just on the top. Our Christmas tree was going to look like the North Star was sitting in or living room. I also had a bow made that Anal Adam thought was too big for the tree. I quickly informed him that the bow was the indication of the size of tree we were going to have next year!
This year I decided that I needed to combine Anal Adam's Christmas traditions with my Christmas traditions. He has so many, and I had to make up some because he was starting to mess with my Christmas decorations. He didn't understand why we didn't have colored lights, and I had to tell him what year it was. His mother makes a Christmas stocking for each new member of the Masley clan. I decided I was going to make Christmas stockings for our Masley dogs. It took me 6 hours to make 2 stockings. After I was done and I had to do back tricks to get up, I got Anal Adam to come see what I did. Needless to say "that looks good baby" didn't sit very well with me. I wanted to return all of his presents that came from the North Pole and shove the new ashes and switches up is South Pole! I really wanted to frame my hand crafted Christmas stockings instead of hanging them!! After the "that looks good baby" comment, he never mentioned traditions to me again.
I've decided to create a tradition with my Goddaughter. I'm going to give her a Christopher Radko ornament every year for Christmas because all my friends assured me they wouldn't be going away anytime soon. In theory this seemed like a good idea. The ornament is expensive as hell and it's glass. I almost broke it while putting her name on the bottom. As soon as she opened it she wanted to play with it, but it's glass so we had to take her Christmas present away from her. She really won't be able to enjoy it until she's in her late 20's. Think, Morgan, think!
Moving on to Chrismas day. Apparently I'm one of those horrible Santa's that you better give a standing ovation or cry dramatically over your gift or I'm going to get my feelings hurt. This year my mom cried, and, of course, I see that as a HUGE success. Anal Adam on the other hand did the, "Thank you, I needed that." Oh husband, that's just what I wanted to hear after asking your idiot friends, trying to listen and remember little comments you would say over the past 6 months, find your size in all your men stuff, and all the while trying to keep it a secret. My friend got her husband a double something shotgun and some ostrich type boots, and my husbands drool got all over me while she was telling him the details. He said he needed a suit and a sports coat!!! WTF!!! Make a list!!!!!
This Christmas I ordered myself and Anal Adam 4 pieces of luggage that I told everyone they would have to participate in buying. In my head, everyone thought this was a great idea and were more than willing to hand me Christmas money. In reality, it was a lot different. I'm going to have to pay for most of it, because turns out Anal Adam didn't want luggage that badly. Althought things don't happen the way you planned, there is always a lesson learned. One day I'll actually learn on of those lessons.
This year I decided that I needed to combine Anal Adam's Christmas traditions with my Christmas traditions. He has so many, and I had to make up some because he was starting to mess with my Christmas decorations. He didn't understand why we didn't have colored lights, and I had to tell him what year it was. His mother makes a Christmas stocking for each new member of the Masley clan. I decided I was going to make Christmas stockings for our Masley dogs. It took me 6 hours to make 2 stockings. After I was done and I had to do back tricks to get up, I got Anal Adam to come see what I did. Needless to say "that looks good baby" didn't sit very well with me. I wanted to return all of his presents that came from the North Pole and shove the new ashes and switches up is South Pole! I really wanted to frame my hand crafted Christmas stockings instead of hanging them!! After the "that looks good baby" comment, he never mentioned traditions to me again.
I've decided to create a tradition with my Goddaughter. I'm going to give her a Christopher Radko ornament every year for Christmas because all my friends assured me they wouldn't be going away anytime soon. In theory this seemed like a good idea. The ornament is expensive as hell and it's glass. I almost broke it while putting her name on the bottom. As soon as she opened it she wanted to play with it, but it's glass so we had to take her Christmas present away from her. She really won't be able to enjoy it until she's in her late 20's. Think, Morgan, think!
Moving on to Chrismas day. Apparently I'm one of those horrible Santa's that you better give a standing ovation or cry dramatically over your gift or I'm going to get my feelings hurt. This year my mom cried, and, of course, I see that as a HUGE success. Anal Adam on the other hand did the, "Thank you, I needed that." Oh husband, that's just what I wanted to hear after asking your idiot friends, trying to listen and remember little comments you would say over the past 6 months, find your size in all your men stuff, and all the while trying to keep it a secret. My friend got her husband a double something shotgun and some ostrich type boots, and my husbands drool got all over me while she was telling him the details. He said he needed a suit and a sports coat!!! WTF!!! Make a list!!!!!
This Christmas I ordered myself and Anal Adam 4 pieces of luggage that I told everyone they would have to participate in buying. In my head, everyone thought this was a great idea and were more than willing to hand me Christmas money. In reality, it was a lot different. I'm going to have to pay for most of it, because turns out Anal Adam didn't want luggage that badly. Althought things don't happen the way you planned, there is always a lesson learned. One day I'll actually learn on of those lessons.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wrapping
This year I decided to buy matching wrapping paper and my presents were going to be absolutely beautiful. I bought two different kinds with two different designs as well as some gorgeous ribbon to wrap around the presents. Unfortunately I bought the most uncool thing a wrapper could ever buy, stick on bows. I didn't find out until later that they how absolutely horrendous they were until I heard some ladies talking about wrapping later that week. One lady even used the phrase "so bad, it was worse than stick on bows". I wasn't about to fight that crowd again to return the 99 cent bows, so everyone got a stick on bow present this year. You can only imagine my humiliation.
The paper was apparently made from people who don't like Christmas. You know how paper is supposed to slide straight as the scissors shear it?? Well this paper was obviously made for the most skilled wrappers. I sat in the middle of my floor slaving over a 5x7 gift. The damn paper would tear, and nothing was even. Also, my tape kept getting dog hair in it because it's part of my house decor. All of my presents this year have dog hair in it. I tried to convince myself it was like fur, but dog hair isn't fur it's colored needles.
The ribbon I bought didn't go with my wrapping paper either. After all was said and done, my Christmas presents were the ugliest things I've ever put together since the 3rd grade. I probably should have stopped myself after the whole stick on bow fiasco. Next year everyone will receive their Christmas presents in bags.
The paper was apparently made from people who don't like Christmas. You know how paper is supposed to slide straight as the scissors shear it?? Well this paper was obviously made for the most skilled wrappers. I sat in the middle of my floor slaving over a 5x7 gift. The damn paper would tear, and nothing was even. Also, my tape kept getting dog hair in it because it's part of my house decor. All of my presents this year have dog hair in it. I tried to convince myself it was like fur, but dog hair isn't fur it's colored needles.
The ribbon I bought didn't go with my wrapping paper either. After all was said and done, my Christmas presents were the ugliest things I've ever put together since the 3rd grade. I probably should have stopped myself after the whole stick on bow fiasco. Next year everyone will receive their Christmas presents in bags.
New Job
So I started a new job, and it's amazing which means I have no life. I'm an associate account rep which means I answer to tons of people. On the tote-um-pole (no idea??) I would be on the very very bottom. It's the most amazing job I've ever had, and I feel dumb every day. For 2 weeks I was away at training. Some people had the audacity to tell me 2 weeks wasn't that long. I should have reserved them a room beside me and asked them what they thought after the two weeks of school and studying 4 plane rides away from home was. I hate talking those One Up people. You and I know who they are, but for some reason the One Up people don't realize who they are. One Ups always have something worse or better going on in their lives, and they are not afraid to tell you. Please figure out who are and STOP!
At traingin in the North, I apparently was Mrs. Southern Belle dumb ass. There were 2 awards you got at the end of the class: Most Valuable Player (I thought I had it in the bag) and Most Improved Player (we thought that was the biggest tool of the class). After 2 weeks of training, all A's, and a big 100.5 for my final grade, I set home back to Mississippi with Most Improved Player. Really?? I think it was because I gagged at the cadaver lab and sometimes accidentally spoke before I fully thought about what I was saying. A huge attribute, in addition to my brains, I was going to bring to the table was my ability to play sports. To my astonishment everyone there was not only brilliant, they also played sports better than me. It was like the Olympics of salespeople. Lesson learned: No matter how good you feel you are at something, there is always someone better than you in everything.
At traingin in the North, I apparently was Mrs. Southern Belle dumb ass. There were 2 awards you got at the end of the class: Most Valuable Player (I thought I had it in the bag) and Most Improved Player (we thought that was the biggest tool of the class). After 2 weeks of training, all A's, and a big 100.5 for my final grade, I set home back to Mississippi with Most Improved Player. Really?? I think it was because I gagged at the cadaver lab and sometimes accidentally spoke before I fully thought about what I was saying. A huge attribute, in addition to my brains, I was going to bring to the table was my ability to play sports. To my astonishment everyone there was not only brilliant, they also played sports better than me. It was like the Olympics of salespeople. Lesson learned: No matter how good you feel you are at something, there is always someone better than you in everything.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
The Kid Whisperer
I'm an amazing friend. 1950's Supermom was going out of town for a weekend, and she needed me to take care of my God children. Of course, everyone questioned her decision in asking me to take care of her young ones but that's because they don't know that I'm the Kid Whisperer. I was so excited too. Goldie, my precious sweet angel dog, was going, and we were going to have FUN. I didn't have any activites planned, but that's because I'm the Kid Whisperer and I don't have to.
So, my sweet friend told me the time frame which I would be babysitting a while back. The closer we got to the days when I would be babysitting, times started to change. First she started calling me several days before I was to arrive and started prepping me on what to do and would leave the conversation saying "I'll call you in a little bit when I think of something else". This girl knows I have anxiety issues, so I'm not real sure what level she wanted my anxiety on when I arrived. Second, she told me I needed to be an hour earlier than we previously discussed. Then she changed it to an even earlier hour the day before what I've now donned as Doomsday. As soon as Doomsday arrives, sh** hit the fan. Anal Adam found out my car was leaking oil because the dumb asses at the oil place didn't but the oil cap on. I had to wait on them to clean up the mess before I could go to 1950's Supermom's house. Has anyone been around a mother of 2 whose schedule has screwed up?? Don't defend yourself, don't say anything, just get your ass where you're supposed to be and do everything she says and do it quick. She showed me my Nanny Guide, the chocolate milks location, and other essential places I needed to familiarize myself with, and she ran out the door. Now, it was just the Kid Whisperer, a 3 and a half year old, and a nine month old.
Everything was going perfectly. I fed the kids on time and then we all took a nap. When the baby woke up, I fed him a bottle like I was supposed to. Then, I read in the fine print of the Nanny Guide that nap time was actually supposed to be 2 hours later then when I put him down. He was drinking the bottle when he was supposed to be napping. Damn it! Then Addie poo wakes up, and she informs me the thunder woke her up and scared her and she had an accident in the bed. What kind of freaking accident?? Huge pee spot kind of accident. No problem. Cleaned the sheets, took her clothes off, and said "Now let's go clean your booty." All of a sudden she looks at me and says, "You said a bad word." I was like, no I didn't, I know I didn't say "shit", "damn", "hell", or "ass". My stupid ass asked her what bad word did I say and she said, "Well I'm not going to say it." Apparently "booty" is a bad word. Booty will not be a bad word in my house because I almost didn't know what other word to use instead of that, which would be "bottom".
My mom and Anal Adam came over that night for 3 seconds before they just had to leave. Rude! The baby was down for the night, and I was putting Addie Poo down. She didn't want to sleep on her own, and she was not going to bed until I came in there. I was asleep by 8:30 on a Friday night.
The next morning started off at 6:30. I'm trying to entertain, make breakfast, and stay awake. At one point I tried to put the baby down at all the different times my Nanny Guide told me he naps. He wasn't going down and Addie poo was now starting to cry telling me she loves her mommy and wants to see her. At this point I'm thinking, "SHIT!!" I called 1950's Supermom and told her if I didn't have any coffee in me, I wasn't going to make it. The baby finally went down, and Addie poo decided my dog was enough entertainment to make her not cry about mommy.
I decided I wanted to take the kids out of the house and go see Seester and maybe go to a kid friendly sandwich place to eat. We went to see Seester, and she and Walk On didn't have anything to do with the kids because it was lunch time. Seester was supposed to be so excited to see those little bundles of joy and she didn't not move from her plate of food, so we left. We then went to Newk's. It took me 10 minutes to open the damn stroller and another 15 on how to get the baby strapped in. Where's the rocket scientist when you need one?? This stupid stroller was made to make mothers feel bad about themselves. The straps that go over the shoulders didn't even have snaps so I had to stare at the end pieces of all 75 straps to figure out what hooks where. Then there was the maneuvering aspect of the stroller. I think I ran into every persons chair in there. The stupid POS stroller never went where I wanted it to go and I looked like a huge jack ass knocking it into everything in sight. Thanks a lot GRACO for making a stroller that made me look like Mommy Dearest while trying to drive it! I also went down what seemed like a one way street in a restaurant trying to get to a booth. I realized how stupid I was half way down the aisle because I noticed the stroller was going to block all traffic flow. Addie poo and I had to back out of the aisle as I explained to everyone I was just a babysitter because I was so embarrassed and I wanted everyone to know I wasn't a real mom.
We finally sat down at a corner table where I was trying to hide, and they brought us our food. The baby wanted to grab everything he saw that he couldn't have (knives, forks) , and he wanted to throw the stuff he could (spoons, sippy cups). Addie poo wanted to sit close to us but everytime she moved close baby brother wanted to take her stuff. FYI, for all you mothers to be out there or babysitters, when you take kids to a restaurant you don't get to eat.
My nanny shift ended at 3:40pm that day, not noon like my lying friend said it would! The sad thing is that my God children are amazing and the only problems that came about were because I'm a moron. One day I'm going to have children, but I think after this posting I won't hear that many people ask me when I'm going to start trying. I love you Addie Poo and Buddy!
So, my sweet friend told me the time frame which I would be babysitting a while back. The closer we got to the days when I would be babysitting, times started to change. First she started calling me several days before I was to arrive and started prepping me on what to do and would leave the conversation saying "I'll call you in a little bit when I think of something else". This girl knows I have anxiety issues, so I'm not real sure what level she wanted my anxiety on when I arrived. Second, she told me I needed to be an hour earlier than we previously discussed. Then she changed it to an even earlier hour the day before what I've now donned as Doomsday. As soon as Doomsday arrives, sh** hit the fan. Anal Adam found out my car was leaking oil because the dumb asses at the oil place didn't but the oil cap on. I had to wait on them to clean up the mess before I could go to 1950's Supermom's house. Has anyone been around a mother of 2 whose schedule has screwed up?? Don't defend yourself, don't say anything, just get your ass where you're supposed to be and do everything she says and do it quick. She showed me my Nanny Guide, the chocolate milks location, and other essential places I needed to familiarize myself with, and she ran out the door. Now, it was just the Kid Whisperer, a 3 and a half year old, and a nine month old.
Everything was going perfectly. I fed the kids on time and then we all took a nap. When the baby woke up, I fed him a bottle like I was supposed to. Then, I read in the fine print of the Nanny Guide that nap time was actually supposed to be 2 hours later then when I put him down. He was drinking the bottle when he was supposed to be napping. Damn it! Then Addie poo wakes up, and she informs me the thunder woke her up and scared her and she had an accident in the bed. What kind of freaking accident?? Huge pee spot kind of accident. No problem. Cleaned the sheets, took her clothes off, and said "Now let's go clean your booty." All of a sudden she looks at me and says, "You said a bad word." I was like, no I didn't, I know I didn't say "shit", "damn", "hell", or "ass". My stupid ass asked her what bad word did I say and she said, "Well I'm not going to say it." Apparently "booty" is a bad word. Booty will not be a bad word in my house because I almost didn't know what other word to use instead of that, which would be "bottom".
My mom and Anal Adam came over that night for 3 seconds before they just had to leave. Rude! The baby was down for the night, and I was putting Addie Poo down. She didn't want to sleep on her own, and she was not going to bed until I came in there. I was asleep by 8:30 on a Friday night.
The next morning started off at 6:30. I'm trying to entertain, make breakfast, and stay awake. At one point I tried to put the baby down at all the different times my Nanny Guide told me he naps. He wasn't going down and Addie poo was now starting to cry telling me she loves her mommy and wants to see her. At this point I'm thinking, "SHIT!!" I called 1950's Supermom and told her if I didn't have any coffee in me, I wasn't going to make it. The baby finally went down, and Addie poo decided my dog was enough entertainment to make her not cry about mommy.
I decided I wanted to take the kids out of the house and go see Seester and maybe go to a kid friendly sandwich place to eat. We went to see Seester, and she and Walk On didn't have anything to do with the kids because it was lunch time. Seester was supposed to be so excited to see those little bundles of joy and she didn't not move from her plate of food, so we left. We then went to Newk's. It took me 10 minutes to open the damn stroller and another 15 on how to get the baby strapped in. Where's the rocket scientist when you need one?? This stupid stroller was made to make mothers feel bad about themselves. The straps that go over the shoulders didn't even have snaps so I had to stare at the end pieces of all 75 straps to figure out what hooks where. Then there was the maneuvering aspect of the stroller. I think I ran into every persons chair in there. The stupid POS stroller never went where I wanted it to go and I looked like a huge jack ass knocking it into everything in sight. Thanks a lot GRACO for making a stroller that made me look like Mommy Dearest while trying to drive it! I also went down what seemed like a one way street in a restaurant trying to get to a booth. I realized how stupid I was half way down the aisle because I noticed the stroller was going to block all traffic flow. Addie poo and I had to back out of the aisle as I explained to everyone I was just a babysitter because I was so embarrassed and I wanted everyone to know I wasn't a real mom.
We finally sat down at a corner table where I was trying to hide, and they brought us our food. The baby wanted to grab everything he saw that he couldn't have (knives, forks) , and he wanted to throw the stuff he could (spoons, sippy cups). Addie poo wanted to sit close to us but everytime she moved close baby brother wanted to take her stuff. FYI, for all you mothers to be out there or babysitters, when you take kids to a restaurant you don't get to eat.
My nanny shift ended at 3:40pm that day, not noon like my lying friend said it would! The sad thing is that my God children are amazing and the only problems that came about were because I'm a moron. One day I'm going to have children, but I think after this posting I won't hear that many people ask me when I'm going to start trying. I love you Addie Poo and Buddy!
Captain D Bag and the Demon Knife
A couple of things have been going on in my life recently, such as knife fights with myself and meeting a loser. The other week I went to play doubles tennis with my friends EBO, Becky, and Walk On. After I won both my matches because I'm amazing I took my friend EBO out for a beer. I had to buy the beer because I won my matches and she lost hers. It really didn't make sense, but I was so excited I was awesome I didn't care. While we were sitting there we had a couple of gentlemen sit next to us. One was a quiet older man who seemed like a gentle kitten. The other was a loud mouth weird ass who made up what he did for a living because he's so funny that I'd rather have razors inserted into my ears than listen to him.
Captain D Bag gave EBO and I this rather sad story about how he came to live in Jackson and that he didn't have any friends. EBO checked out of his sob story long ago, but I was ready and willing to pick Captain D Bag up out of his misery and make his life in Jackson better. I got his number, told him he and my husband were going to be the best of buds, and I was going to invite him to the Beerfest. First of all, my husband would have kicked my ass if I brought this guy around him because his voice level never goes lower than a 50. Second of all, what the hell is wrong with me. Obviously he's been in Jackson for over 5 years without any friends for a reason. Captain D Bag got worse as the night went on. He told EBO and I he would love to drink our dirty bathwater, and he said "Why are all the hot bitches f'ing married? I mean damn it!" After saying this he proceeded to rip his shirt open exposing his gold chain and sexy pot belly. Needless to say, I wasn't going to invite him with us to the Beerfest. When he was about to leave he asked me on a lunch date. I was furious!! Apparently, he thought I was a d bag like him and his response was "So you love your husband that much?" Really, Captain D Bag!! If the guy from Saw kidnapped us together and made me choose from sawing my hands and feet off or staying and talking to you, my hands and feet go no questions asked!
So anyway, I get home and I'm starving. Anal Adam's up so I tell him the story while making a sandwich. I might as well have been talking to our dogs as much as he was listening. He went to bed, but I was still hungry. I decided I was going to eat some smoked gouda cheese on bread with butter on it. Yum!! I got out the knife Anal Adam sharpens everyday, and decided to cut me a few pieces of cheese with the knife from Hell. The knife slipped and attacked my left hand. I had a huge, deep laceration on my pointer finger by my finger nail and another cut on my knuckle. My finger had no chance against the demon possessed knife. I ran in the bedroom to show Anal Adam what had happened to me, and he said it wasn't a big deal and to go to sleep. Damn him!! I actually could feel my heartbeat in my finger. I wrapped it in paper towels, went to sleep on the couch with my finger elevated, and prayed I would make it to the morning. That morning Anal Adam and I were going to take a look at the cut. Some of the paper towel was stuck to the wound, and as I tried to take it off I felt this horrible pain and everything went black. I took 3 Aleve, and almost went to the ER to get them to put me under so they could stitch me up. EBO had to come over that night to clean the wound, and I almost clawed her eyes out with my right hand. All in all, for the damage that was done by the Demon knife, I think I handled everything well. 2 days later I stumped my toe and slashed it on my mirror.
The Black Cloud came for me, but as you can see I survived. I have no feeling in the tip of my finger, and Anal Adam won't let me use that knife again. I think in the back of his mind he knows its possessed too.
Captain D Bag gave EBO and I this rather sad story about how he came to live in Jackson and that he didn't have any friends. EBO checked out of his sob story long ago, but I was ready and willing to pick Captain D Bag up out of his misery and make his life in Jackson better. I got his number, told him he and my husband were going to be the best of buds, and I was going to invite him to the Beerfest. First of all, my husband would have kicked my ass if I brought this guy around him because his voice level never goes lower than a 50. Second of all, what the hell is wrong with me. Obviously he's been in Jackson for over 5 years without any friends for a reason. Captain D Bag got worse as the night went on. He told EBO and I he would love to drink our dirty bathwater, and he said "Why are all the hot bitches f'ing married? I mean damn it!" After saying this he proceeded to rip his shirt open exposing his gold chain and sexy pot belly. Needless to say, I wasn't going to invite him with us to the Beerfest. When he was about to leave he asked me on a lunch date. I was furious!! Apparently, he thought I was a d bag like him and his response was "So you love your husband that much?" Really, Captain D Bag!! If the guy from Saw kidnapped us together and made me choose from sawing my hands and feet off or staying and talking to you, my hands and feet go no questions asked!
So anyway, I get home and I'm starving. Anal Adam's up so I tell him the story while making a sandwich. I might as well have been talking to our dogs as much as he was listening. He went to bed, but I was still hungry. I decided I was going to eat some smoked gouda cheese on bread with butter on it. Yum!! I got out the knife Anal Adam sharpens everyday, and decided to cut me a few pieces of cheese with the knife from Hell. The knife slipped and attacked my left hand. I had a huge, deep laceration on my pointer finger by my finger nail and another cut on my knuckle. My finger had no chance against the demon possessed knife. I ran in the bedroom to show Anal Adam what had happened to me, and he said it wasn't a big deal and to go to sleep. Damn him!! I actually could feel my heartbeat in my finger. I wrapped it in paper towels, went to sleep on the couch with my finger elevated, and prayed I would make it to the morning. That morning Anal Adam and I were going to take a look at the cut. Some of the paper towel was stuck to the wound, and as I tried to take it off I felt this horrible pain and everything went black. I took 3 Aleve, and almost went to the ER to get them to put me under so they could stitch me up. EBO had to come over that night to clean the wound, and I almost clawed her eyes out with my right hand. All in all, for the damage that was done by the Demon knife, I think I handled everything well. 2 days later I stumped my toe and slashed it on my mirror.
The Black Cloud came for me, but as you can see I survived. I have no feeling in the tip of my finger, and Anal Adam won't let me use that knife again. I think in the back of his mind he knows its possessed too.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
My Adolescence
There are certain things women spend their money on. Mine is hair and shopping. I know that I sound shallow, but most of you don't know what I looked like when I was younger. When I was in the 4th grade, things didn't match up on me like they were supposed to. My bottom teeth were jacked up, and my right front tooth was longer than the left one. Obviously they were supposed to be even but I guess I was special. My teacher noticed that I read books 1 inch from my face, and I couldn't read anything that was more than a foot away. I had to get these sexy gold glasses that were at least 60 inches in diameter for each eye. Apparently I didn't think I was ugly enough, so I begged my mom for a bowl cut and then a perm on top of the bowl cut. One of my clever little classmates asked me if I stuck my finger in a light socket. I thought he was complimenting me. I was an airhead, too. So let me break this down for you I was 10-years-old with jacked up teeth, windshields as glasses, and a bowl cut with a perm on top.
By 5th grade I was trying to grow it out, so I would put my hair in ponytails every day. One time I was in the girls bathroom, and I scared the hell out of one of my friends because she thought I was a boy. She was actually mad at me, and I had to apologize to her for scaring her with my appearance.
By 6th grade me and 2 of my nerd friends formed a book sharing club that was very exclusive. No one wanted to be in it, but if they did they weren't allowed. I, also, had what I thought was my first boyfriend this year. It was my first kiss, and I guess since no one else wanted to kiss me but him that meant we were boyfriend girlfriend. 6 months later after he didn't call me after our first kiss, I thought it was time we broke up. I got my bestfriend, 1950s Supermom, to come over and listen in so she could help me break up with him. I said, "First boyfriend, I think it's time that we broke up because we never get to see each other." He said, "When were we ever dating?" 1950s Supermom started laughing so hard that First Boyfriend could hear, and we had to immediately hang up. I learned from that moment on that I was an even bigger loser than I ever thought I was before.
7th grade I was still a huge nerd loser, but I was gradually becoming symmetrical. Don't get me wrong, I was still uglier than hell but I had established a great sense of humor and I was funny. I had to do something since my looks were bringing me and my friends down. All the guys wanted to be boyfriends with my friends, especially 1950s Supermom, so they would come to me and ask for advice. It was awesome. All my crushes were asking me how to hook-up with all my friends. I'm pretty sure no one kissed me in the 7th grade.
8th grade was when I became the "She's All That" girl, but not really. I went to a hairdresser instead of a butcher to cut my hair, and I started wearing cooler clothes. It was like all of a sudden I wasn't repulsive but actually pretty cute. I had a deadly duo, too, because not only was I cuter but I had a cool personality to go with my new looks. I kissed more than one boy that year! I did have this astronomical crush on one boy who "played" me and this other girl. I was devastated! Usually the boys who wanted to kiss me didn't have any girls that wanted to kiss them. Not only had I kissed this boy, but he was so cute that many other girls kissed him too all around the same time. What a butthead!! So ugly gets you a great personality with loads of friend boys, cute gets your ass PLAYED!
9th grade me and several of my friends filled out, and we were all little "She's All That" hotties. We had so much fun, too. We didn't have a care in the world because we convinced ourselves we were the cutest and coolest things at Terry High (what what!!)! And then I met Anti-Christ. He went to another highschool, and he was the hottest thing I had ever seen. He was interested in me, and I thought I was the luckiest girl in South Jackson! We had an amazing whirlwind of a romance for the next 3 and a half years. He cheated on me with a girl at my highshcool (how embarrassing), girls in Clinton, Madison, Cleveland, and many many other places. I was so stupid that 1950s Supermom told me that she saw him hook up with one a girl at this party, and I told her that he told me she was going to think that but he was just leaning really close to that girl to get a drink. If you're not on the floor laughing right now, read that sentence again. He would always break up with me before each summer, too. Even though AC is evil and has a small brain, my dumb ass kept getting back together with him. If your boyfriend cheats and breaks up with you all the time, is mean to you, or is shady as hell and you stay with him, it's time you have a "Come to Jesus" intervention with yourself. YOU ARE AN IDIOT, and you should do the grown-up thing like I did and cuss him out and break up with him on his roommate's answering machine.
I'm a friend therapist now because of all the things you've just read. I help all who come to me, and I never deny my services to anyone. Not all people are lucky enough to learn what not to do by real life experiences, so I feel it is my duty to tell them. One should always take most of my advice about any topic, because obviously I have done the most embarrassing and uninteligent adolescent things any moron kid would do. I continue to do uninteligent things accidentally, but I have 1950s Supermom, seester, and Anal Adam who always help me through the grown-up stupid situations I have unintentionally put myself in. No matter what, though, I am always positively positive about my unwanted learning experiences!
By 5th grade I was trying to grow it out, so I would put my hair in ponytails every day. One time I was in the girls bathroom, and I scared the hell out of one of my friends because she thought I was a boy. She was actually mad at me, and I had to apologize to her for scaring her with my appearance.
By 6th grade me and 2 of my nerd friends formed a book sharing club that was very exclusive. No one wanted to be in it, but if they did they weren't allowed. I, also, had what I thought was my first boyfriend this year. It was my first kiss, and I guess since no one else wanted to kiss me but him that meant we were boyfriend girlfriend. 6 months later after he didn't call me after our first kiss, I thought it was time we broke up. I got my bestfriend, 1950s Supermom, to come over and listen in so she could help me break up with him. I said, "First boyfriend, I think it's time that we broke up because we never get to see each other." He said, "When were we ever dating?" 1950s Supermom started laughing so hard that First Boyfriend could hear, and we had to immediately hang up. I learned from that moment on that I was an even bigger loser than I ever thought I was before.
7th grade I was still a huge nerd loser, but I was gradually becoming symmetrical. Don't get me wrong, I was still uglier than hell but I had established a great sense of humor and I was funny. I had to do something since my looks were bringing me and my friends down. All the guys wanted to be boyfriends with my friends, especially 1950s Supermom, so they would come to me and ask for advice. It was awesome. All my crushes were asking me how to hook-up with all my friends. I'm pretty sure no one kissed me in the 7th grade.
8th grade was when I became the "She's All That" girl, but not really. I went to a hairdresser instead of a butcher to cut my hair, and I started wearing cooler clothes. It was like all of a sudden I wasn't repulsive but actually pretty cute. I had a deadly duo, too, because not only was I cuter but I had a cool personality to go with my new looks. I kissed more than one boy that year! I did have this astronomical crush on one boy who "played" me and this other girl. I was devastated! Usually the boys who wanted to kiss me didn't have any girls that wanted to kiss them. Not only had I kissed this boy, but he was so cute that many other girls kissed him too all around the same time. What a butthead!! So ugly gets you a great personality with loads of friend boys, cute gets your ass PLAYED!
9th grade me and several of my friends filled out, and we were all little "She's All That" hotties. We had so much fun, too. We didn't have a care in the world because we convinced ourselves we were the cutest and coolest things at Terry High (what what!!)! And then I met Anti-Christ. He went to another highschool, and he was the hottest thing I had ever seen. He was interested in me, and I thought I was the luckiest girl in South Jackson! We had an amazing whirlwind of a romance for the next 3 and a half years. He cheated on me with a girl at my highshcool (how embarrassing), girls in Clinton, Madison, Cleveland, and many many other places. I was so stupid that 1950s Supermom told me that she saw him hook up with one a girl at this party, and I told her that he told me she was going to think that but he was just leaning really close to that girl to get a drink. If you're not on the floor laughing right now, read that sentence again. He would always break up with me before each summer, too. Even though AC is evil and has a small brain, my dumb ass kept getting back together with him. If your boyfriend cheats and breaks up with you all the time, is mean to you, or is shady as hell and you stay with him, it's time you have a "Come to Jesus" intervention with yourself. YOU ARE AN IDIOT, and you should do the grown-up thing like I did and cuss him out and break up with him on his roommate's answering machine.
I'm a friend therapist now because of all the things you've just read. I help all who come to me, and I never deny my services to anyone. Not all people are lucky enough to learn what not to do by real life experiences, so I feel it is my duty to tell them. One should always take most of my advice about any topic, because obviously I have done the most embarrassing and uninteligent adolescent things any moron kid would do. I continue to do uninteligent things accidentally, but I have 1950s Supermom, seester, and Anal Adam who always help me through the grown-up stupid situations I have unintentionally put myself in. No matter what, though, I am always positively positive about my unwanted learning experiences!
Sunday, July 11, 2010
The Black Cloud
I never realized that the word "never" really does affect my life. I said I'd never work at a law office again. I did. I said I would never date a lawyer or anyone who wants to become one. I married one. I said I would never get up to a certain weight. Been there, past that!! How about I'll never have my own island in the Caribbean or I'll never be the richest person in the world?? My Never Fairy must have selective hearing. I've said that and many other great things like that, and they really NEVER happened. Oh and my Guardian Angel is a whole other story. I have to give it to her, she does have a tough job with me but after all this time she should know to never take her eyes off me!
Basically I'm a Black Cloud. It has been very hard for Anal Adam to deal with the Black Cloud, but he does the best he can. Same goes to my Guardian Angel, but you can never take your eyes off the Black Cloud or "It" will happen. "It" can be anywhere from me jumping off a float and spraining my ankle at the beginning of the St. Paddy's Day parade to having a wreck in my best friend's car by running into the back of the Mayor of I'm not going to tell you who's SUV. It really depends on how well things are going in my life as to when "It" will happen. For instance, I recently had a wreck out of town while working in my car. Anal Adam and I were supposed to be taking my car later on that day out of town on vacation. I ran into the back of a car in a town 2 and a half hours away from home, and home was 4 hours away from our vacation. "It" happened. My Guardian Angel helped me not get hurt, but she didn't leave any money for the damages! These 2 girls got out of the car that looked like they had just got their permits, but they were freshmen in college. Little did I know, I was in a college town. Perfect! She was turning into her sister's house, who lived with what seemed like 8 other girls, and I didn't know the car in front of me would be turning while I wasn't paying attention. My phone stopped working as soon as I hit the car, I wouldn't have expected anything less. The girl's entourage was outside, the parent's came, and there I was carless, cellphoneless, and entourageless. I started crying, I think because I felt like such a dumb ass. To add insult to injury I had to use the other girl's phone to call Anal Adam, that was a great conversation, and call to get a new car and all the other elements that come with being the moron that causes a wreck. The car rental company didn't have any cars except for a Dodge Ram double cab that had just drove in. I thought "Awesome!" I'm going to have 2 wrecks today.
Anal Adam and I took the Ram to the beach. We were scheduled to leave at 8am, but I'm not easy to get into the car so it was now more like 8:30. We get in the truck ready to leave, and as soon as we turned the key we hear "clickclickclick". The car was dead, and I started dying out laughing. Whatrugonnado??
I ended up having to buy a new phone. Apparently, the antenna was knocked out, and my insurance for a replacement was more than a new phone when all was said and done. Oh, and the plug-in to my new phone isn't the same as the other so I had to buy a new car charger. Of course it's not the same!!!! The new car I'm in is smaller, and I get a little car sick in it and I think it may have caused me to have a neck injury. Other than that, I love it!!
Everyone must always be aware of the Black Cloud because it's basically capable of anything. I spill drinks weekly especially if I'm at anyone elses house, and I always break things at my mom or dad's house. Other than that, I'm good. As for the Never Fairy, I will never not have another wreck out of town!
Basically I'm a Black Cloud. It has been very hard for Anal Adam to deal with the Black Cloud, but he does the best he can. Same goes to my Guardian Angel, but you can never take your eyes off the Black Cloud or "It" will happen. "It" can be anywhere from me jumping off a float and spraining my ankle at the beginning of the St. Paddy's Day parade to having a wreck in my best friend's car by running into the back of the Mayor of I'm not going to tell you who's SUV. It really depends on how well things are going in my life as to when "It" will happen. For instance, I recently had a wreck out of town while working in my car. Anal Adam and I were supposed to be taking my car later on that day out of town on vacation. I ran into the back of a car in a town 2 and a half hours away from home, and home was 4 hours away from our vacation. "It" happened. My Guardian Angel helped me not get hurt, but she didn't leave any money for the damages! These 2 girls got out of the car that looked like they had just got their permits, but they were freshmen in college. Little did I know, I was in a college town. Perfect! She was turning into her sister's house, who lived with what seemed like 8 other girls, and I didn't know the car in front of me would be turning while I wasn't paying attention. My phone stopped working as soon as I hit the car, I wouldn't have expected anything less. The girl's entourage was outside, the parent's came, and there I was carless, cellphoneless, and entourageless. I started crying, I think because I felt like such a dumb ass. To add insult to injury I had to use the other girl's phone to call Anal Adam, that was a great conversation, and call to get a new car and all the other elements that come with being the moron that causes a wreck. The car rental company didn't have any cars except for a Dodge Ram double cab that had just drove in. I thought "Awesome!" I'm going to have 2 wrecks today.
Anal Adam and I took the Ram to the beach. We were scheduled to leave at 8am, but I'm not easy to get into the car so it was now more like 8:30. We get in the truck ready to leave, and as soon as we turned the key we hear "clickclickclick". The car was dead, and I started dying out laughing. Whatrugonnado??
I ended up having to buy a new phone. Apparently, the antenna was knocked out, and my insurance for a replacement was more than a new phone when all was said and done. Oh, and the plug-in to my new phone isn't the same as the other so I had to buy a new car charger. Of course it's not the same!!!! The new car I'm in is smaller, and I get a little car sick in it and I think it may have caused me to have a neck injury. Other than that, I love it!!
Everyone must always be aware of the Black Cloud because it's basically capable of anything. I spill drinks weekly especially if I'm at anyone elses house, and I always break things at my mom or dad's house. Other than that, I'm good. As for the Never Fairy, I will never not have another wreck out of town!
June is over, thank goodness!!
Ok, so I know that I said June was going to be awesome, and if you consider sucking at your job awesome, then it was!!! I'm a good person, I'm nice, I have the "I'm here to please" attitude, yet people don't see that. They see me as a vicious predator coming to attack them with my sales pitch. I'm not there to kill anyone, I just want to see if they would like to buy my product. What is so wrong with that??? It's really bad when the conversation with your boss starts "So your territory didn't do very well, again....". The only thing to say is "No it didn't, and I noticed that too." There's really nothing else to say. I was looking for a sharp object to shove into my eye socket. The even suckier part about being a salesperson is the fact that to be a good salesperson you can't get down, you have to pick yourself up, and you have to keep on selling. Damn it!!! Are you kidding me?? I've even had a customer pretend she wasn't the person I was asking for, and the poor girl beside her had to answer my questions by trying to read the other woman's eye movements. I don't know who was more embarrassed, but I'm pretty sure it was me. It's pretty bad when you present such a threat that a person acts like they're someone else!! Come on!!
My first year anniversary was the end of this month, and I got a pair of tennis shoes for my new tennis career. Anal Adam was taking me out to dinner to a nice restaurant, and so I decided to dress in my sexy "I'm still hot, damn it" dress. You're allowed to wear that kind of stuff when you don't think you'll know the other grown-ups in the restaurant. When we got to the restaurant, we were greeted by my dad and M2, their couple friends, and my husband's boss and his ENTIRE family. I strategically placed my purse behind my ass since my dress was hugging it, and I had to half squat as I hugged everyone with one arm all he while keeping my purse steady over my ass while also trying to conceal my one piece girdle. I went from feeling hot to feeling like a hooker being taken out to dinner for the first time. I was trying to tell my husband that he made me so happy and blah blah blah, and all I could here was my dad telling emabarrassing stories about me and Stevie Wonder (my dad's nickname for my husband) with his extra loud voice that carries. We also had the boss coming over and the wife and kids congratulating us, and, of course, asking us when we were going to be having any of "these" (kids). Next year, we're going to the movies and making out on the back row of a really bad movie where we won't be seen.
My first year anniversary was the end of this month, and I got a pair of tennis shoes for my new tennis career. Anal Adam was taking me out to dinner to a nice restaurant, and so I decided to dress in my sexy "I'm still hot, damn it" dress. You're allowed to wear that kind of stuff when you don't think you'll know the other grown-ups in the restaurant. When we got to the restaurant, we were greeted by my dad and M2, their couple friends, and my husband's boss and his ENTIRE family. I strategically placed my purse behind my ass since my dress was hugging it, and I had to half squat as I hugged everyone with one arm all he while keeping my purse steady over my ass while also trying to conceal my one piece girdle. I went from feeling hot to feeling like a hooker being taken out to dinner for the first time. I was trying to tell my husband that he made me so happy and blah blah blah, and all I could here was my dad telling emabarrassing stories about me and Stevie Wonder (my dad's nickname for my husband) with his extra loud voice that carries. We also had the boss coming over and the wife and kids congratulating us, and, of course, asking us when we were going to be having any of "these" (kids). Next year, we're going to the movies and making out on the back row of a really bad movie where we won't be seen.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Frugal Is So In
I read my blog recently to some family friends, and I realized that I couldn't spell nor do I have any grammar skills. I apologize for those who read this terrible blog, because I have spell and grammar checked this thing several times and it is still wrong.
I have several different things that I'm doing in my life right now. I have 3 jobs: I sell surgical devices, I work at a women's clothing store on some Saturdays, and I've started my own business. I, also, am currently becoming an amazing tennis player. My main focus is beating my sister at tennis. My friend and I went to a tennis shop to get me some tennis shoes, and I was going to buy a racket. The people wouldn't allow me to buy a racket because they wanted me to demo some rackets. Apparently, I embarrassed my friend because I told them that I used to play softball so I'm a real good beginner. The people playing tennis at this place are all like pros and I was trying to prevent me and my friend from looking like a bunch of amateurs. She should have been thanking me for making us look like such cool beginners.
I think the reason I have so many ventures going on in my life right now is because one of them is bound to make me rich. The goal in my life is to retire in a couple of years. My husband and I have the same goals which makes our relationship that more special. The only problem is that my husband takes saving money and other things to a whole new level. According to him, food is a luxury for us. He tries to save money by skimming on some foods and household necessities, and, thanks to trial and error, he realized you don't skim on some things. Just a little FYI, you don't skim on off brand cheese, toilet paper, or paper towels. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate him saving money but come on with the whole food and alcohol savings. I'm physically unable to drink cheap beer. Call me a snob, I don't care!!
We're all going on a canoeing trip in Arkansas, and one of our friends suggested we pitch tents and do it rugged style. Are you absolutely kidding me?? Unless that tent has an air condition unit and running water in it, I'm out. I'm a cool person and I can hang out in the wilderness and whatever else, but I sleep in a bed, pee in a toilet, and brush my teeth. I don't feel that this is an unreasonable camping request, either. I'm just excited Anal Adam likes the same things I do while camping, because thankfully he didn't skim on this one.
You know I'm embracing this economy with a positive attitude, and I want to make sure I try all that I can to put a positive spin on everything. In order for me to do so I had to look at things from a different perspective. So we have this oil spill that is not allowing my family and many other families to spend their 4th of July on the beach. Positive: there will probably be a lot less shark attacks this year. A little side note: I've watched shark week for 4 years straight, and I feel I know all there is to know about sharks. On my honeymoon last year, a mother shark was swimming near the shoreline and I ran out towards the shark yelling, "She's doesn't want to hurt us!" Anal Adam had to grab my arm to keep me from running to the shark. Yes I had been drinking, but what the hell did I think I was going to accomplish by getting in the water with a 7ft shark. Idiot!! Another idiot is the CEO of BP. No we don't believe you're doing all you can, no we don't believe your stupid apology, and no you don't get your high end life back! When you suck as bad as you do, Mr. Hayward, at cleaning your mess up in the United States (especially in the South), you get your ass handed to you. Don't patronize us Americans with your rehearsed answers to our concerned quesitons because you're about 2.5 million gallons full of horseshit that continues to spread. Moving on to my job. I'm not making as much money as I did last year because the economy has caused budget cuts in hospitals. Positive: the economy sucks so everything I want is on sale. I have to pay $250 for my dog to get spade next week. Positive: she'll never have to wear diapers for 2 AND A HALF WEEKS again. My friends and family have experienced cutbacks and the harsh realities of the economy. Positive: we drink all the time!!
They say that because of this recession people are having intercourse more because they don't have money to do anything else. Who the hell did that survey, and who the hell participated?? Gross!!! I picked up tennis, and that's all you're getting out of me. I don't know all what's going on with the economy, but I feel pretty confident that neither does any of the politicians trying to fix it. As long as most of us know were up sh*t creek without a paddle (or another bailout plan), we'll find some way to come together and make it work. Just some friendly advice, my friends and I like to work it out with alcohol.
I have several different things that I'm doing in my life right now. I have 3 jobs: I sell surgical devices, I work at a women's clothing store on some Saturdays, and I've started my own business. I, also, am currently becoming an amazing tennis player. My main focus is beating my sister at tennis. My friend and I went to a tennis shop to get me some tennis shoes, and I was going to buy a racket. The people wouldn't allow me to buy a racket because they wanted me to demo some rackets. Apparently, I embarrassed my friend because I told them that I used to play softball so I'm a real good beginner. The people playing tennis at this place are all like pros and I was trying to prevent me and my friend from looking like a bunch of amateurs. She should have been thanking me for making us look like such cool beginners.
I think the reason I have so many ventures going on in my life right now is because one of them is bound to make me rich. The goal in my life is to retire in a couple of years. My husband and I have the same goals which makes our relationship that more special. The only problem is that my husband takes saving money and other things to a whole new level. According to him, food is a luxury for us. He tries to save money by skimming on some foods and household necessities, and, thanks to trial and error, he realized you don't skim on some things. Just a little FYI, you don't skim on off brand cheese, toilet paper, or paper towels. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate him saving money but come on with the whole food and alcohol savings. I'm physically unable to drink cheap beer. Call me a snob, I don't care!!
We're all going on a canoeing trip in Arkansas, and one of our friends suggested we pitch tents and do it rugged style. Are you absolutely kidding me?? Unless that tent has an air condition unit and running water in it, I'm out. I'm a cool person and I can hang out in the wilderness and whatever else, but I sleep in a bed, pee in a toilet, and brush my teeth. I don't feel that this is an unreasonable camping request, either. I'm just excited Anal Adam likes the same things I do while camping, because thankfully he didn't skim on this one.
You know I'm embracing this economy with a positive attitude, and I want to make sure I try all that I can to put a positive spin on everything. In order for me to do so I had to look at things from a different perspective. So we have this oil spill that is not allowing my family and many other families to spend their 4th of July on the beach. Positive: there will probably be a lot less shark attacks this year. A little side note: I've watched shark week for 4 years straight, and I feel I know all there is to know about sharks. On my honeymoon last year, a mother shark was swimming near the shoreline and I ran out towards the shark yelling, "She's doesn't want to hurt us!" Anal Adam had to grab my arm to keep me from running to the shark. Yes I had been drinking, but what the hell did I think I was going to accomplish by getting in the water with a 7ft shark. Idiot!! Another idiot is the CEO of BP. No we don't believe you're doing all you can, no we don't believe your stupid apology, and no you don't get your high end life back! When you suck as bad as you do, Mr. Hayward, at cleaning your mess up in the United States (especially in the South), you get your ass handed to you. Don't patronize us Americans with your rehearsed answers to our concerned quesitons because you're about 2.5 million gallons full of horseshit that continues to spread. Moving on to my job. I'm not making as much money as I did last year because the economy has caused budget cuts in hospitals. Positive: the economy sucks so everything I want is on sale. I have to pay $250 for my dog to get spade next week. Positive: she'll never have to wear diapers for 2 AND A HALF WEEKS again. My friends and family have experienced cutbacks and the harsh realities of the economy. Positive: we drink all the time!!
They say that because of this recession people are having intercourse more because they don't have money to do anything else. Who the hell did that survey, and who the hell participated?? Gross!!! I picked up tennis, and that's all you're getting out of me. I don't know all what's going on with the economy, but I feel pretty confident that neither does any of the politicians trying to fix it. As long as most of us know were up sh*t creek without a paddle (or another bailout plan), we'll find some way to come together and make it work. Just some friendly advice, my friends and I like to work it out with alcohol.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
No Babies Right Now, Thank You.
I'm new to the world of blogging, obviously. To be honest, I made fun of my best friend for having a blog. I asked her who cares about what she's doing every day. She has two kids and tends to them ALL DAY LONG!!! These two little amazing creatures are something to write about, though. My supermom friend is so hilarious that I would actually like to hear how she does it. When I say supermom I mean as in the 1950's when the mother did all the work and made it look effortless.
I babysat for her one night, and I had to ask her 3-year-old what to do with the 8-month-old. I bathed the 2 together (I had to ask the 3-year-old if that was ok because she is a girl and the baby is a boy and not everyone knows the rules), fed them, played with them, and then put them to bed. As soon as supermom came home, I made her stay up and drink with me for several hours. I might just have a nanny move in and take care of me and my kids.
As soon as my husband (Anal Adam) and I said I do, people started coming up to us asking us when we were going to have kids. I took a big swig of my drink and proudly said, "Not for a long ass time". When people keep asking you, though, you start to think you want to start to have them sooner rather then later. I started telling people dates when we would start trying, but I didn't tell Anal Adam about it. Women are so excited when you give them a time frame, men get pissed and feel they need to sweep in and help their friend from making such a bad decision. Little does everyone know, I just threw a date out there so people would leave me alone!! I already feel my life is restricted by my dog. I can't have a baby right now! I'm way too selfish! Also, I will not be doing the whole pregnancy thing on my own. My other good friend and I made a pact to get pregnant together. We decided it would better for everyone if we could complain to each other about not being able to drink and the other insane things your body goes through during pregnancy.
Anal Adam and I went to visit friends and their precious toddler the other day. There were several couples there I went to college with, and they all had their babies. Anal Adam had been drinking a little bit that day and when he realized HIS friend left he became panicked by the sight of all the babies. It was like he was surrounded my poisonous snakes. I was holding the babies, and he was like "we gotta go now". I realized, then, my husband is a freak and I'm the only grown-up in the relationship.
I babysat for her one night, and I had to ask her 3-year-old what to do with the 8-month-old. I bathed the 2 together (I had to ask the 3-year-old if that was ok because she is a girl and the baby is a boy and not everyone knows the rules), fed them, played with them, and then put them to bed. As soon as supermom came home, I made her stay up and drink with me for several hours. I might just have a nanny move in and take care of me and my kids.
As soon as my husband (Anal Adam) and I said I do, people started coming up to us asking us when we were going to have kids. I took a big swig of my drink and proudly said, "Not for a long ass time". When people keep asking you, though, you start to think you want to start to have them sooner rather then later. I started telling people dates when we would start trying, but I didn't tell Anal Adam about it. Women are so excited when you give them a time frame, men get pissed and feel they need to sweep in and help their friend from making such a bad decision. Little does everyone know, I just threw a date out there so people would leave me alone!! I already feel my life is restricted by my dog. I can't have a baby right now! I'm way too selfish! Also, I will not be doing the whole pregnancy thing on my own. My other good friend and I made a pact to get pregnant together. We decided it would better for everyone if we could complain to each other about not being able to drink and the other insane things your body goes through during pregnancy.
Anal Adam and I went to visit friends and their precious toddler the other day. There were several couples there I went to college with, and they all had their babies. Anal Adam had been drinking a little bit that day and when he realized HIS friend left he became panicked by the sight of all the babies. It was like he was surrounded my poisonous snakes. I was holding the babies, and he was like "we gotta go now". I realized, then, my husband is a freak and I'm the only grown-up in the relationship.
I had a conversation with my husband today that confirmed that I was the smart one in the relationship. We don't have babies, yet we fight about where the nursery is going. As of now we have 3 rooms; a master, a guest, and an office (yes, a damn office). I asked Anal Adam where his mom was going to sleep and he said, "She'd be more than happy to sleep on the couch". Really you mindless moron??? His mother is the saint of God and we're going to put her on the couch. What an idiot!! As God is my witness, the guest bedroom stays!
I'm not having babies right now and everyone should praise Jesus. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
June is going to be awesome!!
So, this month has started off to a great start. I have a job, a few dogs, and a cool circle of friends. My key to life is circling myself around a bunch of funny people. So far I bet you have already had a bad day or some type of annoying occurences that have happened all day long!! Seriously, with out delay call your funniest friend. You're entire day will be lifted. The thing that we don't realize is, is that we have no control over about 90% of the crap that happens to us in life. What are you gonna do?? Complain?? That does great! Either you complain to a person who is miserable that day as well or you talk to a brick wall. Your friends, including myself, don't want to hear you complain about your day. More than likely, we think we've had a worse day than you or we've had a good day and we'd rather you talk to the next in line.
I just wanted you to know that before you started feeling sorry for yourself. I swear there is nothing worse than someone feeling sorry for themselves!! I grew up trying to impress my dad my whole life and it never worked. I played softball, basketball, cheerleaded, and ran in track. I played on a slow pitch league one time, and I was the youngest on the team. I was surrounded by girls that could thump my ass into a coma, but I knew I was better than them. I was playing the best game of my life, and I remember one of the little puny little boyfriends of my competitors thought I was "sweet". My friend told him I was very sweet but he thought I was REAL sweet as in into other girls. What horseshit!! I was the smallest and youngest on the team and I was donned the lesbian player. I wish I was, but instead I was dating this amazing guy who cheated on me throughout the tri-state area.
I dated the hottest guy on the planet. Lets call him Anti-Christ. AC loved me for the first 7 months we dated, and then all of a sudden started cheating on me. What I don't understand is what type of pheromones I was giving off?? I thought my scents clearly read be with me, but AC read them as be fruitful with many many many other women. Of course I stayed with him, because none of his straying was his fault. He was hypnotized by these women, and I had to help him get back to his normal self.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you're the only one rooting for your man, and all you your friends have left the premises? At first, you feel like you finally convinced the idiots how great your man is. Fortunately, after a long time, dumbasses (like myself) somehow get reminded of who we are and the dipshits we've chosen over friends and family. When I woke up from my nightmare, I was never the same person again.
I went to public school in south Mississippi, which some ignorant journalist would say was racist and full of illiterate hopeless children with no hope for a future. My highschool is the alma mater to engineers, lawyers, NASA rocket scientists, and surgical device sales reps (ME!!). I'm lucky to have been associated with such an amazing group of individuals. I left that school headed out to be the best neurologist/cardiologist the world's ever seen. Unfortunately, this long time goal subsided to that of my social career. I was quickly accepted in the social life of Ole Miss especially with several of my favorite fraternities.
I can't go into my college life because I must maintain my identity as the, what's the word, sophisticated Positively Positive person. I will say that after ALOT of trial and errors I met a man that would actually marry me.
We will call him Anal Adam. I love love love Anal Adam, but his name is an indication of his personaliity. I've been married for a year, and it was awesome. Sure I cried and threw a hissy fit a couple times a month and ran into the guest bedroom. Doesn't everyone?? No and they don't talk about it!! If you tell people that, especially you're family, you need to go to counseling. I don't cook, I need to go to counseling. I want to be alone sometimes, I need to go to counseling. Who is the asshole who made the guidelines for counseling??? Apparently they were counseling during their first year if marriage! My husband is my rock because he knew he married a "diamond in the ruff" but that's not entirely true. I'm more of a 8th world wonder not documented.
I graduated college knowing that the job offers would come flooding throught. Little did I know, those butthead professors were only talking to the people who studied and had no life/really smart people that sucked (who I became partners with). I was headed out for the world and somehow ended up at my parents house. I had a temporary job for over a year at a lawfirm while trying to get into pharmaceutical sales. Didn't get into pharmaceutical sales but I did land my first sales job.
I sold office furniture. My first day started the day Hurricane Katrina hit. I had the week off which with my new fling (my little Anal Adam) was a big fun fest. The next week was the end of my fun fest. Have you ever worked at a family owned place?? It's comparable to working at a war zone. You don't know who to trust. The people are good people one on one certain days, BUT you don't have a clue who's side their on that day or who to run from. My only solace was working out which Anal Adam loved. Little did he know my secret I was hiding from him was my ability to be the laziest human alive. I didn't know myself until later in life.
My parents divorced when I was 24. Awesome age! My more mature sister was in New Zealand, and I had to deal with the lunatics on my own. My dad and mom were alcoholics, but I grew up with that. In college, I looked down upon my friend's parents who didn't drink. I realized they weren't going to work it out, and my mom went to a hidden cabin in "Eden" and my dad stayed at the house. My dad and I never had a good relationship because he never went to the doctor to get diagnosed with "Assholism". I was the one there for everyone, and I sucked at it. The worst day in my life was realizing that my parents were human. I mean my dad would try to talk to me about problems to my mom. Really?? You're a grown ass man, and I'm the most ridiculous person on the planet. You would be a lot better off talking to a 7-year-old.
My parents were married for 28 years and divorced. My dad's happily re-married and my moms dating someone. The weirdness never goes away, but life does go on. I must admit I feel sorry for myself sometimes, but I'm so fortunate to have people in my life who don't want to hear my shit. I can't feel sorry for myself because everyday something else really really stupid goes on in my life, and I've decided to start recording it. God made me and my family special, and I mean REAL special and who am I to hide the most ridiculous things in life from random people who want to be entertained.
Stay tuned for stuff I left off. It's way in the morning, and you haven't heard the half of it.
I just wanted you to know that before you started feeling sorry for yourself. I swear there is nothing worse than someone feeling sorry for themselves!! I grew up trying to impress my dad my whole life and it never worked. I played softball, basketball, cheerleaded, and ran in track. I played on a slow pitch league one time, and I was the youngest on the team. I was surrounded by girls that could thump my ass into a coma, but I knew I was better than them. I was playing the best game of my life, and I remember one of the little puny little boyfriends of my competitors thought I was "sweet". My friend told him I was very sweet but he thought I was REAL sweet as in into other girls. What horseshit!! I was the smallest and youngest on the team and I was donned the lesbian player. I wish I was, but instead I was dating this amazing guy who cheated on me throughout the tri-state area.
I dated the hottest guy on the planet. Lets call him Anti-Christ. AC loved me for the first 7 months we dated, and then all of a sudden started cheating on me. What I don't understand is what type of pheromones I was giving off?? I thought my scents clearly read be with me, but AC read them as be fruitful with many many many other women. Of course I stayed with him, because none of his straying was his fault. He was hypnotized by these women, and I had to help him get back to his normal self.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you're the only one rooting for your man, and all you your friends have left the premises? At first, you feel like you finally convinced the idiots how great your man is. Fortunately, after a long time, dumbasses (like myself) somehow get reminded of who we are and the dipshits we've chosen over friends and family. When I woke up from my nightmare, I was never the same person again.
I went to public school in south Mississippi, which some ignorant journalist would say was racist and full of illiterate hopeless children with no hope for a future. My highschool is the alma mater to engineers, lawyers, NASA rocket scientists, and surgical device sales reps (ME!!). I'm lucky to have been associated with such an amazing group of individuals. I left that school headed out to be the best neurologist/cardiologist the world's ever seen. Unfortunately, this long time goal subsided to that of my social career. I was quickly accepted in the social life of Ole Miss especially with several of my favorite fraternities.
I can't go into my college life because I must maintain my identity as the, what's the word, sophisticated Positively Positive person. I will say that after ALOT of trial and errors I met a man that would actually marry me.
We will call him Anal Adam. I love love love Anal Adam, but his name is an indication of his personaliity. I've been married for a year, and it was awesome. Sure I cried and threw a hissy fit a couple times a month and ran into the guest bedroom. Doesn't everyone?? No and they don't talk about it!! If you tell people that, especially you're family, you need to go to counseling. I don't cook, I need to go to counseling. I want to be alone sometimes, I need to go to counseling. Who is the asshole who made the guidelines for counseling??? Apparently they were counseling during their first year if marriage! My husband is my rock because he knew he married a "diamond in the ruff" but that's not entirely true. I'm more of a 8th world wonder not documented.
I graduated college knowing that the job offers would come flooding throught. Little did I know, those butthead professors were only talking to the people who studied and had no life/really smart people that sucked (who I became partners with). I was headed out for the world and somehow ended up at my parents house. I had a temporary job for over a year at a lawfirm while trying to get into pharmaceutical sales. Didn't get into pharmaceutical sales but I did land my first sales job.
I sold office furniture. My first day started the day Hurricane Katrina hit. I had the week off which with my new fling (my little Anal Adam) was a big fun fest. The next week was the end of my fun fest. Have you ever worked at a family owned place?? It's comparable to working at a war zone. You don't know who to trust. The people are good people one on one certain days, BUT you don't have a clue who's side their on that day or who to run from. My only solace was working out which Anal Adam loved. Little did he know my secret I was hiding from him was my ability to be the laziest human alive. I didn't know myself until later in life.
My parents divorced when I was 24. Awesome age! My more mature sister was in New Zealand, and I had to deal with the lunatics on my own. My dad and mom were alcoholics, but I grew up with that. In college, I looked down upon my friend's parents who didn't drink. I realized they weren't going to work it out, and my mom went to a hidden cabin in "Eden" and my dad stayed at the house. My dad and I never had a good relationship because he never went to the doctor to get diagnosed with "Assholism". I was the one there for everyone, and I sucked at it. The worst day in my life was realizing that my parents were human. I mean my dad would try to talk to me about problems to my mom. Really?? You're a grown ass man, and I'm the most ridiculous person on the planet. You would be a lot better off talking to a 7-year-old.
My parents were married for 28 years and divorced. My dad's happily re-married and my moms dating someone. The weirdness never goes away, but life does go on. I must admit I feel sorry for myself sometimes, but I'm so fortunate to have people in my life who don't want to hear my shit. I can't feel sorry for myself because everyday something else really really stupid goes on in my life, and I've decided to start recording it. God made me and my family special, and I mean REAL special and who am I to hide the most ridiculous things in life from random people who want to be entertained.
Stay tuned for stuff I left off. It's way in the morning, and you haven't heard the half of it.
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