I read my blog recently to some family friends, and I realized that I couldn't spell nor do I have any grammar skills. I apologize for those who read this terrible blog, because I have spell and grammar checked this thing several times and it is still wrong.
I have several different things that I'm doing in my life right now. I have 3 jobs: I sell surgical devices, I work at a women's clothing store on some Saturdays, and I've started my own business. I, also, am currently becoming an amazing tennis player. My main focus is beating my sister at tennis. My friend and I went to a tennis shop to get me some tennis shoes, and I was going to buy a racket. The people wouldn't allow me to buy a racket because they wanted me to demo some rackets. Apparently, I embarrassed my friend because I told them that I used to play softball so I'm a real good beginner. The people playing tennis at this place are all like pros and I was trying to prevent me and my friend from looking like a bunch of amateurs. She should have been thanking me for making us look like such cool beginners.
I think the reason I have so many ventures going on in my life right now is because one of them is bound to make me rich. The goal in my life is to retire in a couple of years. My husband and I have the same goals which makes our relationship that more special. The only problem is that my husband takes saving money and other things to a whole new level. According to him, food is a luxury for us. He tries to save money by skimming on some foods and household necessities, and, thanks to trial and error, he realized you don't skim on some things. Just a little FYI, you don't skim on off brand cheese, toilet paper, or paper towels. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate him saving money but come on with the whole food and alcohol savings. I'm physically unable to drink cheap beer. Call me a snob, I don't care!!
We're all going on a canoeing trip in Arkansas, and one of our friends suggested we pitch tents and do it rugged style. Are you absolutely kidding me?? Unless that tent has an air condition unit and running water in it, I'm out. I'm a cool person and I can hang out in the wilderness and whatever else, but I sleep in a bed, pee in a toilet, and brush my teeth. I don't feel that this is an unreasonable camping request, either. I'm just excited Anal Adam likes the same things I do while camping, because thankfully he didn't skim on this one.
You know I'm embracing this economy with a positive attitude, and I want to make sure I try all that I can to put a positive spin on everything. In order for me to do so I had to look at things from a different perspective. So we have this oil spill that is not allowing my family and many other families to spend their 4th of July on the beach. Positive: there will probably be a lot less shark attacks this year. A little side note: I've watched shark week for 4 years straight, and I feel I know all there is to know about sharks. On my honeymoon last year, a mother shark was swimming near the shoreline and I ran out towards the shark yelling, "She's doesn't want to hurt us!" Anal Adam had to grab my arm to keep me from running to the shark. Yes I had been drinking, but what the hell did I think I was going to accomplish by getting in the water with a 7ft shark. Idiot!! Another idiot is the CEO of BP. No we don't believe you're doing all you can, no we don't believe your stupid apology, and no you don't get your high end life back! When you suck as bad as you do, Mr. Hayward, at cleaning your mess up in the United States (especially in the South), you get your ass handed to you. Don't patronize us Americans with your rehearsed answers to our concerned quesitons because you're about 2.5 million gallons full of horseshit that continues to spread. Moving on to my job. I'm not making as much money as I did last year because the economy has caused budget cuts in hospitals. Positive: the economy sucks so everything I want is on sale. I have to pay $250 for my dog to get spade next week. Positive: she'll never have to wear diapers for 2 AND A HALF WEEKS again. My friends and family have experienced cutbacks and the harsh realities of the economy. Positive: we drink all the time!!
They say that because of this recession people are having intercourse more because they don't have money to do anything else. Who the hell did that survey, and who the hell participated?? Gross!!! I picked up tennis, and that's all you're getting out of me. I don't know all what's going on with the economy, but I feel pretty confident that neither does any of the politicians trying to fix it. As long as most of us know were up sh*t creek without a paddle (or another bailout plan), we'll find some way to come together and make it work. Just some friendly advice, my friends and I like to work it out with alcohol.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
No Babies Right Now, Thank You.
I'm new to the world of blogging, obviously. To be honest, I made fun of my best friend for having a blog. I asked her who cares about what she's doing every day. She has two kids and tends to them ALL DAY LONG!!! These two little amazing creatures are something to write about, though. My supermom friend is so hilarious that I would actually like to hear how she does it. When I say supermom I mean as in the 1950's when the mother did all the work and made it look effortless.
I babysat for her one night, and I had to ask her 3-year-old what to do with the 8-month-old. I bathed the 2 together (I had to ask the 3-year-old if that was ok because she is a girl and the baby is a boy and not everyone knows the rules), fed them, played with them, and then put them to bed. As soon as supermom came home, I made her stay up and drink with me for several hours. I might just have a nanny move in and take care of me and my kids.
As soon as my husband (Anal Adam) and I said I do, people started coming up to us asking us when we were going to have kids. I took a big swig of my drink and proudly said, "Not for a long ass time". When people keep asking you, though, you start to think you want to start to have them sooner rather then later. I started telling people dates when we would start trying, but I didn't tell Anal Adam about it. Women are so excited when you give them a time frame, men get pissed and feel they need to sweep in and help their friend from making such a bad decision. Little does everyone know, I just threw a date out there so people would leave me alone!! I already feel my life is restricted by my dog. I can't have a baby right now! I'm way too selfish! Also, I will not be doing the whole pregnancy thing on my own. My other good friend and I made a pact to get pregnant together. We decided it would better for everyone if we could complain to each other about not being able to drink and the other insane things your body goes through during pregnancy.
Anal Adam and I went to visit friends and their precious toddler the other day. There were several couples there I went to college with, and they all had their babies. Anal Adam had been drinking a little bit that day and when he realized HIS friend left he became panicked by the sight of all the babies. It was like he was surrounded my poisonous snakes. I was holding the babies, and he was like "we gotta go now". I realized, then, my husband is a freak and I'm the only grown-up in the relationship.
I babysat for her one night, and I had to ask her 3-year-old what to do with the 8-month-old. I bathed the 2 together (I had to ask the 3-year-old if that was ok because she is a girl and the baby is a boy and not everyone knows the rules), fed them, played with them, and then put them to bed. As soon as supermom came home, I made her stay up and drink with me for several hours. I might just have a nanny move in and take care of me and my kids.
As soon as my husband (Anal Adam) and I said I do, people started coming up to us asking us when we were going to have kids. I took a big swig of my drink and proudly said, "Not for a long ass time". When people keep asking you, though, you start to think you want to start to have them sooner rather then later. I started telling people dates when we would start trying, but I didn't tell Anal Adam about it. Women are so excited when you give them a time frame, men get pissed and feel they need to sweep in and help their friend from making such a bad decision. Little does everyone know, I just threw a date out there so people would leave me alone!! I already feel my life is restricted by my dog. I can't have a baby right now! I'm way too selfish! Also, I will not be doing the whole pregnancy thing on my own. My other good friend and I made a pact to get pregnant together. We decided it would better for everyone if we could complain to each other about not being able to drink and the other insane things your body goes through during pregnancy.
Anal Adam and I went to visit friends and their precious toddler the other day. There were several couples there I went to college with, and they all had their babies. Anal Adam had been drinking a little bit that day and when he realized HIS friend left he became panicked by the sight of all the babies. It was like he was surrounded my poisonous snakes. I was holding the babies, and he was like "we gotta go now". I realized, then, my husband is a freak and I'm the only grown-up in the relationship.
I had a conversation with my husband today that confirmed that I was the smart one in the relationship. We don't have babies, yet we fight about where the nursery is going. As of now we have 3 rooms; a master, a guest, and an office (yes, a damn office). I asked Anal Adam where his mom was going to sleep and he said, "She'd be more than happy to sleep on the couch". Really you mindless moron??? His mother is the saint of God and we're going to put her on the couch. What an idiot!! As God is my witness, the guest bedroom stays!
I'm not having babies right now and everyone should praise Jesus. LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
June is going to be awesome!!
So, this month has started off to a great start. I have a job, a few dogs, and a cool circle of friends. My key to life is circling myself around a bunch of funny people. So far I bet you have already had a bad day or some type of annoying occurences that have happened all day long!! Seriously, with out delay call your funniest friend. You're entire day will be lifted. The thing that we don't realize is, is that we have no control over about 90% of the crap that happens to us in life. What are you gonna do?? Complain?? That does great! Either you complain to a person who is miserable that day as well or you talk to a brick wall. Your friends, including myself, don't want to hear you complain about your day. More than likely, we think we've had a worse day than you or we've had a good day and we'd rather you talk to the next in line.
I just wanted you to know that before you started feeling sorry for yourself. I swear there is nothing worse than someone feeling sorry for themselves!! I grew up trying to impress my dad my whole life and it never worked. I played softball, basketball, cheerleaded, and ran in track. I played on a slow pitch league one time, and I was the youngest on the team. I was surrounded by girls that could thump my ass into a coma, but I knew I was better than them. I was playing the best game of my life, and I remember one of the little puny little boyfriends of my competitors thought I was "sweet". My friend told him I was very sweet but he thought I was REAL sweet as in into other girls. What horseshit!! I was the smallest and youngest on the team and I was donned the lesbian player. I wish I was, but instead I was dating this amazing guy who cheated on me throughout the tri-state area.
I dated the hottest guy on the planet. Lets call him Anti-Christ. AC loved me for the first 7 months we dated, and then all of a sudden started cheating on me. What I don't understand is what type of pheromones I was giving off?? I thought my scents clearly read be with me, but AC read them as be fruitful with many many many other women. Of course I stayed with him, because none of his straying was his fault. He was hypnotized by these women, and I had to help him get back to his normal self.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you're the only one rooting for your man, and all you your friends have left the premises? At first, you feel like you finally convinced the idiots how great your man is. Fortunately, after a long time, dumbasses (like myself) somehow get reminded of who we are and the dipshits we've chosen over friends and family. When I woke up from my nightmare, I was never the same person again.
I went to public school in south Mississippi, which some ignorant journalist would say was racist and full of illiterate hopeless children with no hope for a future. My highschool is the alma mater to engineers, lawyers, NASA rocket scientists, and surgical device sales reps (ME!!). I'm lucky to have been associated with such an amazing group of individuals. I left that school headed out to be the best neurologist/cardiologist the world's ever seen. Unfortunately, this long time goal subsided to that of my social career. I was quickly accepted in the social life of Ole Miss especially with several of my favorite fraternities.
I can't go into my college life because I must maintain my identity as the, what's the word, sophisticated Positively Positive person. I will say that after ALOT of trial and errors I met a man that would actually marry me.
We will call him Anal Adam. I love love love Anal Adam, but his name is an indication of his personaliity. I've been married for a year, and it was awesome. Sure I cried and threw a hissy fit a couple times a month and ran into the guest bedroom. Doesn't everyone?? No and they don't talk about it!! If you tell people that, especially you're family, you need to go to counseling. I don't cook, I need to go to counseling. I want to be alone sometimes, I need to go to counseling. Who is the asshole who made the guidelines for counseling??? Apparently they were counseling during their first year if marriage! My husband is my rock because he knew he married a "diamond in the ruff" but that's not entirely true. I'm more of a 8th world wonder not documented.
I graduated college knowing that the job offers would come flooding throught. Little did I know, those butthead professors were only talking to the people who studied and had no life/really smart people that sucked (who I became partners with). I was headed out for the world and somehow ended up at my parents house. I had a temporary job for over a year at a lawfirm while trying to get into pharmaceutical sales. Didn't get into pharmaceutical sales but I did land my first sales job.
I sold office furniture. My first day started the day Hurricane Katrina hit. I had the week off which with my new fling (my little Anal Adam) was a big fun fest. The next week was the end of my fun fest. Have you ever worked at a family owned place?? It's comparable to working at a war zone. You don't know who to trust. The people are good people one on one certain days, BUT you don't have a clue who's side their on that day or who to run from. My only solace was working out which Anal Adam loved. Little did he know my secret I was hiding from him was my ability to be the laziest human alive. I didn't know myself until later in life.
My parents divorced when I was 24. Awesome age! My more mature sister was in New Zealand, and I had to deal with the lunatics on my own. My dad and mom were alcoholics, but I grew up with that. In college, I looked down upon my friend's parents who didn't drink. I realized they weren't going to work it out, and my mom went to a hidden cabin in "Eden" and my dad stayed at the house. My dad and I never had a good relationship because he never went to the doctor to get diagnosed with "Assholism". I was the one there for everyone, and I sucked at it. The worst day in my life was realizing that my parents were human. I mean my dad would try to talk to me about problems to my mom. Really?? You're a grown ass man, and I'm the most ridiculous person on the planet. You would be a lot better off talking to a 7-year-old.
My parents were married for 28 years and divorced. My dad's happily re-married and my moms dating someone. The weirdness never goes away, but life does go on. I must admit I feel sorry for myself sometimes, but I'm so fortunate to have people in my life who don't want to hear my shit. I can't feel sorry for myself because everyday something else really really stupid goes on in my life, and I've decided to start recording it. God made me and my family special, and I mean REAL special and who am I to hide the most ridiculous things in life from random people who want to be entertained.
Stay tuned for stuff I left off. It's way in the morning, and you haven't heard the half of it.
I just wanted you to know that before you started feeling sorry for yourself. I swear there is nothing worse than someone feeling sorry for themselves!! I grew up trying to impress my dad my whole life and it never worked. I played softball, basketball, cheerleaded, and ran in track. I played on a slow pitch league one time, and I was the youngest on the team. I was surrounded by girls that could thump my ass into a coma, but I knew I was better than them. I was playing the best game of my life, and I remember one of the little puny little boyfriends of my competitors thought I was "sweet". My friend told him I was very sweet but he thought I was REAL sweet as in into other girls. What horseshit!! I was the smallest and youngest on the team and I was donned the lesbian player. I wish I was, but instead I was dating this amazing guy who cheated on me throughout the tri-state area.
I dated the hottest guy on the planet. Lets call him Anti-Christ. AC loved me for the first 7 months we dated, and then all of a sudden started cheating on me. What I don't understand is what type of pheromones I was giving off?? I thought my scents clearly read be with me, but AC read them as be fruitful with many many many other women. Of course I stayed with him, because none of his straying was his fault. He was hypnotized by these women, and I had to help him get back to his normal self.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you're the only one rooting for your man, and all you your friends have left the premises? At first, you feel like you finally convinced the idiots how great your man is. Fortunately, after a long time, dumbasses (like myself) somehow get reminded of who we are and the dipshits we've chosen over friends and family. When I woke up from my nightmare, I was never the same person again.
I went to public school in south Mississippi, which some ignorant journalist would say was racist and full of illiterate hopeless children with no hope for a future. My highschool is the alma mater to engineers, lawyers, NASA rocket scientists, and surgical device sales reps (ME!!). I'm lucky to have been associated with such an amazing group of individuals. I left that school headed out to be the best neurologist/cardiologist the world's ever seen. Unfortunately, this long time goal subsided to that of my social career. I was quickly accepted in the social life of Ole Miss especially with several of my favorite fraternities.
I can't go into my college life because I must maintain my identity as the, what's the word, sophisticated Positively Positive person. I will say that after ALOT of trial and errors I met a man that would actually marry me.
We will call him Anal Adam. I love love love Anal Adam, but his name is an indication of his personaliity. I've been married for a year, and it was awesome. Sure I cried and threw a hissy fit a couple times a month and ran into the guest bedroom. Doesn't everyone?? No and they don't talk about it!! If you tell people that, especially you're family, you need to go to counseling. I don't cook, I need to go to counseling. I want to be alone sometimes, I need to go to counseling. Who is the asshole who made the guidelines for counseling??? Apparently they were counseling during their first year if marriage! My husband is my rock because he knew he married a "diamond in the ruff" but that's not entirely true. I'm more of a 8th world wonder not documented.
I graduated college knowing that the job offers would come flooding throught. Little did I know, those butthead professors were only talking to the people who studied and had no life/really smart people that sucked (who I became partners with). I was headed out for the world and somehow ended up at my parents house. I had a temporary job for over a year at a lawfirm while trying to get into pharmaceutical sales. Didn't get into pharmaceutical sales but I did land my first sales job.
I sold office furniture. My first day started the day Hurricane Katrina hit. I had the week off which with my new fling (my little Anal Adam) was a big fun fest. The next week was the end of my fun fest. Have you ever worked at a family owned place?? It's comparable to working at a war zone. You don't know who to trust. The people are good people one on one certain days, BUT you don't have a clue who's side their on that day or who to run from. My only solace was working out which Anal Adam loved. Little did he know my secret I was hiding from him was my ability to be the laziest human alive. I didn't know myself until later in life.
My parents divorced when I was 24. Awesome age! My more mature sister was in New Zealand, and I had to deal with the lunatics on my own. My dad and mom were alcoholics, but I grew up with that. In college, I looked down upon my friend's parents who didn't drink. I realized they weren't going to work it out, and my mom went to a hidden cabin in "Eden" and my dad stayed at the house. My dad and I never had a good relationship because he never went to the doctor to get diagnosed with "Assholism". I was the one there for everyone, and I sucked at it. The worst day in my life was realizing that my parents were human. I mean my dad would try to talk to me about problems to my mom. Really?? You're a grown ass man, and I'm the most ridiculous person on the planet. You would be a lot better off talking to a 7-year-old.
My parents were married for 28 years and divorced. My dad's happily re-married and my moms dating someone. The weirdness never goes away, but life does go on. I must admit I feel sorry for myself sometimes, but I'm so fortunate to have people in my life who don't want to hear my shit. I can't feel sorry for myself because everyday something else really really stupid goes on in my life, and I've decided to start recording it. God made me and my family special, and I mean REAL special and who am I to hide the most ridiculous things in life from random people who want to be entertained.
Stay tuned for stuff I left off. It's way in the morning, and you haven't heard the half of it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
