There are certain things women spend their money on. Mine is hair and shopping. I know that I sound shallow, but most of you don't know what I looked like when I was younger. When I was in the 4th grade, things didn't match up on me like they were supposed to. My bottom teeth were jacked up, and my right front tooth was longer than the left one. Obviously they were supposed to be even but I guess I was special. My teacher noticed that I read books 1 inch from my face, and I couldn't read anything that was more than a foot away. I had to get these sexy gold glasses that were at least 60 inches in diameter for each eye. Apparently I didn't think I was ugly enough, so I begged my mom for a bowl cut and then a perm on top of the bowl cut. One of my clever little classmates asked me if I stuck my finger in a light socket. I thought he was complimenting me. I was an airhead, too. So let me break this down for you I was 10-years-old with jacked up teeth, windshields as glasses, and a bowl cut with a perm on top.
By 5th grade I was trying to grow it out, so I would put my hair in ponytails every day. One time I was in the girls bathroom, and I scared the hell out of one of my friends because she thought I was a boy. She was actually mad at me, and I had to apologize to her for scaring her with my appearance.
By 6th grade me and 2 of my nerd friends formed a book sharing club that was very exclusive. No one wanted to be in it, but if they did they weren't allowed. I, also, had what I thought was my first boyfriend this year. It was my first kiss, and I guess since no one else wanted to kiss me but him that meant we were boyfriend girlfriend. 6 months later after he didn't call me after our first kiss, I thought it was time we broke up. I got my bestfriend, 1950s Supermom, to come over and listen in so she could help me break up with him. I said, "First boyfriend, I think it's time that we broke up because we never get to see each other." He said, "When were we ever dating?" 1950s Supermom started laughing so hard that First Boyfriend could hear, and we had to immediately hang up. I learned from that moment on that I was an even bigger loser than I ever thought I was before.
7th grade I was still a huge nerd loser, but I was gradually becoming symmetrical. Don't get me wrong, I was still uglier than hell but I had established a great sense of humor and I was funny. I had to do something since my looks were bringing me and my friends down. All the guys wanted to be boyfriends with my friends, especially 1950s Supermom, so they would come to me and ask for advice. It was awesome. All my crushes were asking me how to hook-up with all my friends. I'm pretty sure no one kissed me in the 7th grade.
8th grade was when I became the "She's All That" girl, but not really. I went to a hairdresser instead of a butcher to cut my hair, and I started wearing cooler clothes. It was like all of a sudden I wasn't repulsive but actually pretty cute. I had a deadly duo, too, because not only was I cuter but I had a cool personality to go with my new looks. I kissed more than one boy that year! I did have this astronomical crush on one boy who "played" me and this other girl. I was devastated! Usually the boys who wanted to kiss me didn't have any girls that wanted to kiss them. Not only had I kissed this boy, but he was so cute that many other girls kissed him too all around the same time. What a butthead!! So ugly gets you a great personality with loads of friend boys, cute gets your ass PLAYED!
9th grade me and several of my friends filled out, and we were all little "She's All That" hotties. We had so much fun, too. We didn't have a care in the world because we convinced ourselves we were the cutest and coolest things at Terry High (what what!!)! And then I met Anti-Christ. He went to another highschool, and he was the hottest thing I had ever seen. He was interested in me, and I thought I was the luckiest girl in South Jackson! We had an amazing whirlwind of a romance for the next 3 and a half years. He cheated on me with a girl at my highshcool (how embarrassing), girls in Clinton, Madison, Cleveland, and many many other places. I was so stupid that 1950s Supermom told me that she saw him hook up with one a girl at this party, and I told her that he told me she was going to think that but he was just leaning really close to that girl to get a drink. If you're not on the floor laughing right now, read that sentence again. He would always break up with me before each summer, too. Even though AC is evil and has a small brain, my dumb ass kept getting back together with him. If your boyfriend cheats and breaks up with you all the time, is mean to you, or is shady as hell and you stay with him, it's time you have a "Come to Jesus" intervention with yourself. YOU ARE AN IDIOT, and you should do the grown-up thing like I did and cuss him out and break up with him on his roommate's answering machine.
I'm a friend therapist now because of all the things you've just read. I help all who come to me, and I never deny my services to anyone. Not all people are lucky enough to learn what not to do by real life experiences, so I feel it is my duty to tell them. One should always take most of my advice about any topic, because obviously I have done the most embarrassing and uninteligent adolescent things any moron kid would do. I continue to do uninteligent things accidentally, but I have 1950s Supermom, seester, and Anal Adam who always help me through the grown-up stupid situations I have unintentionally put myself in. No matter what, though, I am always positively positive about my unwanted learning experiences!
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
The Black Cloud
I never realized that the word "never" really does affect my life. I said I'd never work at a law office again. I did. I said I would never date a lawyer or anyone who wants to become one. I married one. I said I would never get up to a certain weight. Been there, past that!! How about I'll never have my own island in the Caribbean or I'll never be the richest person in the world?? My Never Fairy must have selective hearing. I've said that and many other great things like that, and they really NEVER happened. Oh and my Guardian Angel is a whole other story. I have to give it to her, she does have a tough job with me but after all this time she should know to never take her eyes off me!
Basically I'm a Black Cloud. It has been very hard for Anal Adam to deal with the Black Cloud, but he does the best he can. Same goes to my Guardian Angel, but you can never take your eyes off the Black Cloud or "It" will happen. "It" can be anywhere from me jumping off a float and spraining my ankle at the beginning of the St. Paddy's Day parade to having a wreck in my best friend's car by running into the back of the Mayor of I'm not going to tell you who's SUV. It really depends on how well things are going in my life as to when "It" will happen. For instance, I recently had a wreck out of town while working in my car. Anal Adam and I were supposed to be taking my car later on that day out of town on vacation. I ran into the back of a car in a town 2 and a half hours away from home, and home was 4 hours away from our vacation. "It" happened. My Guardian Angel helped me not get hurt, but she didn't leave any money for the damages! These 2 girls got out of the car that looked like they had just got their permits, but they were freshmen in college. Little did I know, I was in a college town. Perfect! She was turning into her sister's house, who lived with what seemed like 8 other girls, and I didn't know the car in front of me would be turning while I wasn't paying attention. My phone stopped working as soon as I hit the car, I wouldn't have expected anything less. The girl's entourage was outside, the parent's came, and there I was carless, cellphoneless, and entourageless. I started crying, I think because I felt like such a dumb ass. To add insult to injury I had to use the other girl's phone to call Anal Adam, that was a great conversation, and call to get a new car and all the other elements that come with being the moron that causes a wreck. The car rental company didn't have any cars except for a Dodge Ram double cab that had just drove in. I thought "Awesome!" I'm going to have 2 wrecks today.
Anal Adam and I took the Ram to the beach. We were scheduled to leave at 8am, but I'm not easy to get into the car so it was now more like 8:30. We get in the truck ready to leave, and as soon as we turned the key we hear "clickclickclick". The car was dead, and I started dying out laughing. Whatrugonnado??
I ended up having to buy a new phone. Apparently, the antenna was knocked out, and my insurance for a replacement was more than a new phone when all was said and done. Oh, and the plug-in to my new phone isn't the same as the other so I had to buy a new car charger. Of course it's not the same!!!! The new car I'm in is smaller, and I get a little car sick in it and I think it may have caused me to have a neck injury. Other than that, I love it!!
Everyone must always be aware of the Black Cloud because it's basically capable of anything. I spill drinks weekly especially if I'm at anyone elses house, and I always break things at my mom or dad's house. Other than that, I'm good. As for the Never Fairy, I will never not have another wreck out of town!
Basically I'm a Black Cloud. It has been very hard for Anal Adam to deal with the Black Cloud, but he does the best he can. Same goes to my Guardian Angel, but you can never take your eyes off the Black Cloud or "It" will happen. "It" can be anywhere from me jumping off a float and spraining my ankle at the beginning of the St. Paddy's Day parade to having a wreck in my best friend's car by running into the back of the Mayor of I'm not going to tell you who's SUV. It really depends on how well things are going in my life as to when "It" will happen. For instance, I recently had a wreck out of town while working in my car. Anal Adam and I were supposed to be taking my car later on that day out of town on vacation. I ran into the back of a car in a town 2 and a half hours away from home, and home was 4 hours away from our vacation. "It" happened. My Guardian Angel helped me not get hurt, but she didn't leave any money for the damages! These 2 girls got out of the car that looked like they had just got their permits, but they were freshmen in college. Little did I know, I was in a college town. Perfect! She was turning into her sister's house, who lived with what seemed like 8 other girls, and I didn't know the car in front of me would be turning while I wasn't paying attention. My phone stopped working as soon as I hit the car, I wouldn't have expected anything less. The girl's entourage was outside, the parent's came, and there I was carless, cellphoneless, and entourageless. I started crying, I think because I felt like such a dumb ass. To add insult to injury I had to use the other girl's phone to call Anal Adam, that was a great conversation, and call to get a new car and all the other elements that come with being the moron that causes a wreck. The car rental company didn't have any cars except for a Dodge Ram double cab that had just drove in. I thought "Awesome!" I'm going to have 2 wrecks today.
Anal Adam and I took the Ram to the beach. We were scheduled to leave at 8am, but I'm not easy to get into the car so it was now more like 8:30. We get in the truck ready to leave, and as soon as we turned the key we hear "clickclickclick". The car was dead, and I started dying out laughing. Whatrugonnado??
I ended up having to buy a new phone. Apparently, the antenna was knocked out, and my insurance for a replacement was more than a new phone when all was said and done. Oh, and the plug-in to my new phone isn't the same as the other so I had to buy a new car charger. Of course it's not the same!!!! The new car I'm in is smaller, and I get a little car sick in it and I think it may have caused me to have a neck injury. Other than that, I love it!!
Everyone must always be aware of the Black Cloud because it's basically capable of anything. I spill drinks weekly especially if I'm at anyone elses house, and I always break things at my mom or dad's house. Other than that, I'm good. As for the Never Fairy, I will never not have another wreck out of town!
June is over, thank goodness!!
Ok, so I know that I said June was going to be awesome, and if you consider sucking at your job awesome, then it was!!! I'm a good person, I'm nice, I have the "I'm here to please" attitude, yet people don't see that. They see me as a vicious predator coming to attack them with my sales pitch. I'm not there to kill anyone, I just want to see if they would like to buy my product. What is so wrong with that??? It's really bad when the conversation with your boss starts "So your territory didn't do very well, again....". The only thing to say is "No it didn't, and I noticed that too." There's really nothing else to say. I was looking for a sharp object to shove into my eye socket. The even suckier part about being a salesperson is the fact that to be a good salesperson you can't get down, you have to pick yourself up, and you have to keep on selling. Damn it!!! Are you kidding me?? I've even had a customer pretend she wasn't the person I was asking for, and the poor girl beside her had to answer my questions by trying to read the other woman's eye movements. I don't know who was more embarrassed, but I'm pretty sure it was me. It's pretty bad when you present such a threat that a person acts like they're someone else!! Come on!!
My first year anniversary was the end of this month, and I got a pair of tennis shoes for my new tennis career. Anal Adam was taking me out to dinner to a nice restaurant, and so I decided to dress in my sexy "I'm still hot, damn it" dress. You're allowed to wear that kind of stuff when you don't think you'll know the other grown-ups in the restaurant. When we got to the restaurant, we were greeted by my dad and M2, their couple friends, and my husband's boss and his ENTIRE family. I strategically placed my purse behind my ass since my dress was hugging it, and I had to half squat as I hugged everyone with one arm all he while keeping my purse steady over my ass while also trying to conceal my one piece girdle. I went from feeling hot to feeling like a hooker being taken out to dinner for the first time. I was trying to tell my husband that he made me so happy and blah blah blah, and all I could here was my dad telling emabarrassing stories about me and Stevie Wonder (my dad's nickname for my husband) with his extra loud voice that carries. We also had the boss coming over and the wife and kids congratulating us, and, of course, asking us when we were going to be having any of "these" (kids). Next year, we're going to the movies and making out on the back row of a really bad movie where we won't be seen.
My first year anniversary was the end of this month, and I got a pair of tennis shoes for my new tennis career. Anal Adam was taking me out to dinner to a nice restaurant, and so I decided to dress in my sexy "I'm still hot, damn it" dress. You're allowed to wear that kind of stuff when you don't think you'll know the other grown-ups in the restaurant. When we got to the restaurant, we were greeted by my dad and M2, their couple friends, and my husband's boss and his ENTIRE family. I strategically placed my purse behind my ass since my dress was hugging it, and I had to half squat as I hugged everyone with one arm all he while keeping my purse steady over my ass while also trying to conceal my one piece girdle. I went from feeling hot to feeling like a hooker being taken out to dinner for the first time. I was trying to tell my husband that he made me so happy and blah blah blah, and all I could here was my dad telling emabarrassing stories about me and Stevie Wonder (my dad's nickname for my husband) with his extra loud voice that carries. We also had the boss coming over and the wife and kids congratulating us, and, of course, asking us when we were going to be having any of "these" (kids). Next year, we're going to the movies and making out on the back row of a really bad movie where we won't be seen.
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