This is a warning to the hotmail users. A hacker stole my e-mail stuff and my Facebook stuff, and sent an email to my entire contact list telling them the following:
"I'm stuck in Scotland with my family and all our money and passports were stolen. Please send me $2,500, and I'll explain what happened when I get home.
First of all, my family is divorced and my mom and dad avoid each other like the Plague. Second of all none of my friends would have sent money because they would have been pissed I didn't tell them I went to Scotland. Hackers should really do their homework before completely ruining someone's e-mail life.
The best part about this e-mail farce was that I was getting 2 root canals the day it was sent. My friends and family were calling me asking me what was going on, but they couldn't understand me when I was explaining what had happened because I was barely unable to talk. Oh and I was doped up on pain killers because of my extreme pain. This hacker may think noone knows who he/she is, but God knows and he's going to get you!!!
I'm still unable to get into Hotmail or Facebook, because they don't believe it's me trying to gain access to my own account. The ironic part of that is, is that I'm going to have to become a hacker to gain access to all my stuff. All I have to say is damn it!
Friday, December 31, 2010
CHRISTMAS
I love Christmas so much I could scream. This year Anal Adam and I were the first to get our Christmas tree. Last year we waited too long, and not only did our tree have a huge hole in it, it had about 5 branches. I bought us bells and pins to wear while we were at Lowe's picking out our amazing tree. Anal Adam didn't wear any of his Christmas attire and while I was looking off he had already chosen the tree. We wrapped it up, got it home, and it was probably the smallest tree in the whole lot. I'm 5'2 and I could touch the top. I almost comitted physical abuse on my husband. What was he thinking?? I told him I wanted a Griswald Tree, and he got a practical one. He also thought the tree only needed 2 strands of lights. I put 2 strands just on the top. Our Christmas tree was going to look like the North Star was sitting in or living room. I also had a bow made that Anal Adam thought was too big for the tree. I quickly informed him that the bow was the indication of the size of tree we were going to have next year!
This year I decided that I needed to combine Anal Adam's Christmas traditions with my Christmas traditions. He has so many, and I had to make up some because he was starting to mess with my Christmas decorations. He didn't understand why we didn't have colored lights, and I had to tell him what year it was. His mother makes a Christmas stocking for each new member of the Masley clan. I decided I was going to make Christmas stockings for our Masley dogs. It took me 6 hours to make 2 stockings. After I was done and I had to do back tricks to get up, I got Anal Adam to come see what I did. Needless to say "that looks good baby" didn't sit very well with me. I wanted to return all of his presents that came from the North Pole and shove the new ashes and switches up is South Pole! I really wanted to frame my hand crafted Christmas stockings instead of hanging them!! After the "that looks good baby" comment, he never mentioned traditions to me again.
I've decided to create a tradition with my Goddaughter. I'm going to give her a Christopher Radko ornament every year for Christmas because all my friends assured me they wouldn't be going away anytime soon. In theory this seemed like a good idea. The ornament is expensive as hell and it's glass. I almost broke it while putting her name on the bottom. As soon as she opened it she wanted to play with it, but it's glass so we had to take her Christmas present away from her. She really won't be able to enjoy it until she's in her late 20's. Think, Morgan, think!
Moving on to Chrismas day. Apparently I'm one of those horrible Santa's that you better give a standing ovation or cry dramatically over your gift or I'm going to get my feelings hurt. This year my mom cried, and, of course, I see that as a HUGE success. Anal Adam on the other hand did the, "Thank you, I needed that." Oh husband, that's just what I wanted to hear after asking your idiot friends, trying to listen and remember little comments you would say over the past 6 months, find your size in all your men stuff, and all the while trying to keep it a secret. My friend got her husband a double something shotgun and some ostrich type boots, and my husbands drool got all over me while she was telling him the details. He said he needed a suit and a sports coat!!! WTF!!! Make a list!!!!!
This Christmas I ordered myself and Anal Adam 4 pieces of luggage that I told everyone they would have to participate in buying. In my head, everyone thought this was a great idea and were more than willing to hand me Christmas money. In reality, it was a lot different. I'm going to have to pay for most of it, because turns out Anal Adam didn't want luggage that badly. Althought things don't happen the way you planned, there is always a lesson learned. One day I'll actually learn on of those lessons.
This year I decided that I needed to combine Anal Adam's Christmas traditions with my Christmas traditions. He has so many, and I had to make up some because he was starting to mess with my Christmas decorations. He didn't understand why we didn't have colored lights, and I had to tell him what year it was. His mother makes a Christmas stocking for each new member of the Masley clan. I decided I was going to make Christmas stockings for our Masley dogs. It took me 6 hours to make 2 stockings. After I was done and I had to do back tricks to get up, I got Anal Adam to come see what I did. Needless to say "that looks good baby" didn't sit very well with me. I wanted to return all of his presents that came from the North Pole and shove the new ashes and switches up is South Pole! I really wanted to frame my hand crafted Christmas stockings instead of hanging them!! After the "that looks good baby" comment, he never mentioned traditions to me again.
I've decided to create a tradition with my Goddaughter. I'm going to give her a Christopher Radko ornament every year for Christmas because all my friends assured me they wouldn't be going away anytime soon. In theory this seemed like a good idea. The ornament is expensive as hell and it's glass. I almost broke it while putting her name on the bottom. As soon as she opened it she wanted to play with it, but it's glass so we had to take her Christmas present away from her. She really won't be able to enjoy it until she's in her late 20's. Think, Morgan, think!
Moving on to Chrismas day. Apparently I'm one of those horrible Santa's that you better give a standing ovation or cry dramatically over your gift or I'm going to get my feelings hurt. This year my mom cried, and, of course, I see that as a HUGE success. Anal Adam on the other hand did the, "Thank you, I needed that." Oh husband, that's just what I wanted to hear after asking your idiot friends, trying to listen and remember little comments you would say over the past 6 months, find your size in all your men stuff, and all the while trying to keep it a secret. My friend got her husband a double something shotgun and some ostrich type boots, and my husbands drool got all over me while she was telling him the details. He said he needed a suit and a sports coat!!! WTF!!! Make a list!!!!!
This Christmas I ordered myself and Anal Adam 4 pieces of luggage that I told everyone they would have to participate in buying. In my head, everyone thought this was a great idea and were more than willing to hand me Christmas money. In reality, it was a lot different. I'm going to have to pay for most of it, because turns out Anal Adam didn't want luggage that badly. Althought things don't happen the way you planned, there is always a lesson learned. One day I'll actually learn on of those lessons.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wrapping
This year I decided to buy matching wrapping paper and my presents were going to be absolutely beautiful. I bought two different kinds with two different designs as well as some gorgeous ribbon to wrap around the presents. Unfortunately I bought the most uncool thing a wrapper could ever buy, stick on bows. I didn't find out until later that they how absolutely horrendous they were until I heard some ladies talking about wrapping later that week. One lady even used the phrase "so bad, it was worse than stick on bows". I wasn't about to fight that crowd again to return the 99 cent bows, so everyone got a stick on bow present this year. You can only imagine my humiliation.
The paper was apparently made from people who don't like Christmas. You know how paper is supposed to slide straight as the scissors shear it?? Well this paper was obviously made for the most skilled wrappers. I sat in the middle of my floor slaving over a 5x7 gift. The damn paper would tear, and nothing was even. Also, my tape kept getting dog hair in it because it's part of my house decor. All of my presents this year have dog hair in it. I tried to convince myself it was like fur, but dog hair isn't fur it's colored needles.
The ribbon I bought didn't go with my wrapping paper either. After all was said and done, my Christmas presents were the ugliest things I've ever put together since the 3rd grade. I probably should have stopped myself after the whole stick on bow fiasco. Next year everyone will receive their Christmas presents in bags.
The paper was apparently made from people who don't like Christmas. You know how paper is supposed to slide straight as the scissors shear it?? Well this paper was obviously made for the most skilled wrappers. I sat in the middle of my floor slaving over a 5x7 gift. The damn paper would tear, and nothing was even. Also, my tape kept getting dog hair in it because it's part of my house decor. All of my presents this year have dog hair in it. I tried to convince myself it was like fur, but dog hair isn't fur it's colored needles.
The ribbon I bought didn't go with my wrapping paper either. After all was said and done, my Christmas presents were the ugliest things I've ever put together since the 3rd grade. I probably should have stopped myself after the whole stick on bow fiasco. Next year everyone will receive their Christmas presents in bags.
New Job
So I started a new job, and it's amazing which means I have no life. I'm an associate account rep which means I answer to tons of people. On the tote-um-pole (no idea??) I would be on the very very bottom. It's the most amazing job I've ever had, and I feel dumb every day. For 2 weeks I was away at training. Some people had the audacity to tell me 2 weeks wasn't that long. I should have reserved them a room beside me and asked them what they thought after the two weeks of school and studying 4 plane rides away from home was. I hate talking those One Up people. You and I know who they are, but for some reason the One Up people don't realize who they are. One Ups always have something worse or better going on in their lives, and they are not afraid to tell you. Please figure out who are and STOP!
At traingin in the North, I apparently was Mrs. Southern Belle dumb ass. There were 2 awards you got at the end of the class: Most Valuable Player (I thought I had it in the bag) and Most Improved Player (we thought that was the biggest tool of the class). After 2 weeks of training, all A's, and a big 100.5 for my final grade, I set home back to Mississippi with Most Improved Player. Really?? I think it was because I gagged at the cadaver lab and sometimes accidentally spoke before I fully thought about what I was saying. A huge attribute, in addition to my brains, I was going to bring to the table was my ability to play sports. To my astonishment everyone there was not only brilliant, they also played sports better than me. It was like the Olympics of salespeople. Lesson learned: No matter how good you feel you are at something, there is always someone better than you in everything.
At traingin in the North, I apparently was Mrs. Southern Belle dumb ass. There were 2 awards you got at the end of the class: Most Valuable Player (I thought I had it in the bag) and Most Improved Player (we thought that was the biggest tool of the class). After 2 weeks of training, all A's, and a big 100.5 for my final grade, I set home back to Mississippi with Most Improved Player. Really?? I think it was because I gagged at the cadaver lab and sometimes accidentally spoke before I fully thought about what I was saying. A huge attribute, in addition to my brains, I was going to bring to the table was my ability to play sports. To my astonishment everyone there was not only brilliant, they also played sports better than me. It was like the Olympics of salespeople. Lesson learned: No matter how good you feel you are at something, there is always someone better than you in everything.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
The Kid Whisperer
I'm an amazing friend. 1950's Supermom was going out of town for a weekend, and she needed me to take care of my God children. Of course, everyone questioned her decision in asking me to take care of her young ones but that's because they don't know that I'm the Kid Whisperer. I was so excited too. Goldie, my precious sweet angel dog, was going, and we were going to have FUN. I didn't have any activites planned, but that's because I'm the Kid Whisperer and I don't have to.
So, my sweet friend told me the time frame which I would be babysitting a while back. The closer we got to the days when I would be babysitting, times started to change. First she started calling me several days before I was to arrive and started prepping me on what to do and would leave the conversation saying "I'll call you in a little bit when I think of something else". This girl knows I have anxiety issues, so I'm not real sure what level she wanted my anxiety on when I arrived. Second, she told me I needed to be an hour earlier than we previously discussed. Then she changed it to an even earlier hour the day before what I've now donned as Doomsday. As soon as Doomsday arrives, sh** hit the fan. Anal Adam found out my car was leaking oil because the dumb asses at the oil place didn't but the oil cap on. I had to wait on them to clean up the mess before I could go to 1950's Supermom's house. Has anyone been around a mother of 2 whose schedule has screwed up?? Don't defend yourself, don't say anything, just get your ass where you're supposed to be and do everything she says and do it quick. She showed me my Nanny Guide, the chocolate milks location, and other essential places I needed to familiarize myself with, and she ran out the door. Now, it was just the Kid Whisperer, a 3 and a half year old, and a nine month old.
Everything was going perfectly. I fed the kids on time and then we all took a nap. When the baby woke up, I fed him a bottle like I was supposed to. Then, I read in the fine print of the Nanny Guide that nap time was actually supposed to be 2 hours later then when I put him down. He was drinking the bottle when he was supposed to be napping. Damn it! Then Addie poo wakes up, and she informs me the thunder woke her up and scared her and she had an accident in the bed. What kind of freaking accident?? Huge pee spot kind of accident. No problem. Cleaned the sheets, took her clothes off, and said "Now let's go clean your booty." All of a sudden she looks at me and says, "You said a bad word." I was like, no I didn't, I know I didn't say "shit", "damn", "hell", or "ass". My stupid ass asked her what bad word did I say and she said, "Well I'm not going to say it." Apparently "booty" is a bad word. Booty will not be a bad word in my house because I almost didn't know what other word to use instead of that, which would be "bottom".
My mom and Anal Adam came over that night for 3 seconds before they just had to leave. Rude! The baby was down for the night, and I was putting Addie Poo down. She didn't want to sleep on her own, and she was not going to bed until I came in there. I was asleep by 8:30 on a Friday night.
The next morning started off at 6:30. I'm trying to entertain, make breakfast, and stay awake. At one point I tried to put the baby down at all the different times my Nanny Guide told me he naps. He wasn't going down and Addie poo was now starting to cry telling me she loves her mommy and wants to see her. At this point I'm thinking, "SHIT!!" I called 1950's Supermom and told her if I didn't have any coffee in me, I wasn't going to make it. The baby finally went down, and Addie poo decided my dog was enough entertainment to make her not cry about mommy.
I decided I wanted to take the kids out of the house and go see Seester and maybe go to a kid friendly sandwich place to eat. We went to see Seester, and she and Walk On didn't have anything to do with the kids because it was lunch time. Seester was supposed to be so excited to see those little bundles of joy and she didn't not move from her plate of food, so we left. We then went to Newk's. It took me 10 minutes to open the damn stroller and another 15 on how to get the baby strapped in. Where's the rocket scientist when you need one?? This stupid stroller was made to make mothers feel bad about themselves. The straps that go over the shoulders didn't even have snaps so I had to stare at the end pieces of all 75 straps to figure out what hooks where. Then there was the maneuvering aspect of the stroller. I think I ran into every persons chair in there. The stupid POS stroller never went where I wanted it to go and I looked like a huge jack ass knocking it into everything in sight. Thanks a lot GRACO for making a stroller that made me look like Mommy Dearest while trying to drive it! I also went down what seemed like a one way street in a restaurant trying to get to a booth. I realized how stupid I was half way down the aisle because I noticed the stroller was going to block all traffic flow. Addie poo and I had to back out of the aisle as I explained to everyone I was just a babysitter because I was so embarrassed and I wanted everyone to know I wasn't a real mom.
We finally sat down at a corner table where I was trying to hide, and they brought us our food. The baby wanted to grab everything he saw that he couldn't have (knives, forks) , and he wanted to throw the stuff he could (spoons, sippy cups). Addie poo wanted to sit close to us but everytime she moved close baby brother wanted to take her stuff. FYI, for all you mothers to be out there or babysitters, when you take kids to a restaurant you don't get to eat.
My nanny shift ended at 3:40pm that day, not noon like my lying friend said it would! The sad thing is that my God children are amazing and the only problems that came about were because I'm a moron. One day I'm going to have children, but I think after this posting I won't hear that many people ask me when I'm going to start trying. I love you Addie Poo and Buddy!
So, my sweet friend told me the time frame which I would be babysitting a while back. The closer we got to the days when I would be babysitting, times started to change. First she started calling me several days before I was to arrive and started prepping me on what to do and would leave the conversation saying "I'll call you in a little bit when I think of something else". This girl knows I have anxiety issues, so I'm not real sure what level she wanted my anxiety on when I arrived. Second, she told me I needed to be an hour earlier than we previously discussed. Then she changed it to an even earlier hour the day before what I've now donned as Doomsday. As soon as Doomsday arrives, sh** hit the fan. Anal Adam found out my car was leaking oil because the dumb asses at the oil place didn't but the oil cap on. I had to wait on them to clean up the mess before I could go to 1950's Supermom's house. Has anyone been around a mother of 2 whose schedule has screwed up?? Don't defend yourself, don't say anything, just get your ass where you're supposed to be and do everything she says and do it quick. She showed me my Nanny Guide, the chocolate milks location, and other essential places I needed to familiarize myself with, and she ran out the door. Now, it was just the Kid Whisperer, a 3 and a half year old, and a nine month old.
Everything was going perfectly. I fed the kids on time and then we all took a nap. When the baby woke up, I fed him a bottle like I was supposed to. Then, I read in the fine print of the Nanny Guide that nap time was actually supposed to be 2 hours later then when I put him down. He was drinking the bottle when he was supposed to be napping. Damn it! Then Addie poo wakes up, and she informs me the thunder woke her up and scared her and she had an accident in the bed. What kind of freaking accident?? Huge pee spot kind of accident. No problem. Cleaned the sheets, took her clothes off, and said "Now let's go clean your booty." All of a sudden she looks at me and says, "You said a bad word." I was like, no I didn't, I know I didn't say "shit", "damn", "hell", or "ass". My stupid ass asked her what bad word did I say and she said, "Well I'm not going to say it." Apparently "booty" is a bad word. Booty will not be a bad word in my house because I almost didn't know what other word to use instead of that, which would be "bottom".
My mom and Anal Adam came over that night for 3 seconds before they just had to leave. Rude! The baby was down for the night, and I was putting Addie Poo down. She didn't want to sleep on her own, and she was not going to bed until I came in there. I was asleep by 8:30 on a Friday night.
The next morning started off at 6:30. I'm trying to entertain, make breakfast, and stay awake. At one point I tried to put the baby down at all the different times my Nanny Guide told me he naps. He wasn't going down and Addie poo was now starting to cry telling me she loves her mommy and wants to see her. At this point I'm thinking, "SHIT!!" I called 1950's Supermom and told her if I didn't have any coffee in me, I wasn't going to make it. The baby finally went down, and Addie poo decided my dog was enough entertainment to make her not cry about mommy.
I decided I wanted to take the kids out of the house and go see Seester and maybe go to a kid friendly sandwich place to eat. We went to see Seester, and she and Walk On didn't have anything to do with the kids because it was lunch time. Seester was supposed to be so excited to see those little bundles of joy and she didn't not move from her plate of food, so we left. We then went to Newk's. It took me 10 minutes to open the damn stroller and another 15 on how to get the baby strapped in. Where's the rocket scientist when you need one?? This stupid stroller was made to make mothers feel bad about themselves. The straps that go over the shoulders didn't even have snaps so I had to stare at the end pieces of all 75 straps to figure out what hooks where. Then there was the maneuvering aspect of the stroller. I think I ran into every persons chair in there. The stupid POS stroller never went where I wanted it to go and I looked like a huge jack ass knocking it into everything in sight. Thanks a lot GRACO for making a stroller that made me look like Mommy Dearest while trying to drive it! I also went down what seemed like a one way street in a restaurant trying to get to a booth. I realized how stupid I was half way down the aisle because I noticed the stroller was going to block all traffic flow. Addie poo and I had to back out of the aisle as I explained to everyone I was just a babysitter because I was so embarrassed and I wanted everyone to know I wasn't a real mom.
We finally sat down at a corner table where I was trying to hide, and they brought us our food. The baby wanted to grab everything he saw that he couldn't have (knives, forks) , and he wanted to throw the stuff he could (spoons, sippy cups). Addie poo wanted to sit close to us but everytime she moved close baby brother wanted to take her stuff. FYI, for all you mothers to be out there or babysitters, when you take kids to a restaurant you don't get to eat.
My nanny shift ended at 3:40pm that day, not noon like my lying friend said it would! The sad thing is that my God children are amazing and the only problems that came about were because I'm a moron. One day I'm going to have children, but I think after this posting I won't hear that many people ask me when I'm going to start trying. I love you Addie Poo and Buddy!
Captain D Bag and the Demon Knife
A couple of things have been going on in my life recently, such as knife fights with myself and meeting a loser. The other week I went to play doubles tennis with my friends EBO, Becky, and Walk On. After I won both my matches because I'm amazing I took my friend EBO out for a beer. I had to buy the beer because I won my matches and she lost hers. It really didn't make sense, but I was so excited I was awesome I didn't care. While we were sitting there we had a couple of gentlemen sit next to us. One was a quiet older man who seemed like a gentle kitten. The other was a loud mouth weird ass who made up what he did for a living because he's so funny that I'd rather have razors inserted into my ears than listen to him.
Captain D Bag gave EBO and I this rather sad story about how he came to live in Jackson and that he didn't have any friends. EBO checked out of his sob story long ago, but I was ready and willing to pick Captain D Bag up out of his misery and make his life in Jackson better. I got his number, told him he and my husband were going to be the best of buds, and I was going to invite him to the Beerfest. First of all, my husband would have kicked my ass if I brought this guy around him because his voice level never goes lower than a 50. Second of all, what the hell is wrong with me. Obviously he's been in Jackson for over 5 years without any friends for a reason. Captain D Bag got worse as the night went on. He told EBO and I he would love to drink our dirty bathwater, and he said "Why are all the hot bitches f'ing married? I mean damn it!" After saying this he proceeded to rip his shirt open exposing his gold chain and sexy pot belly. Needless to say, I wasn't going to invite him with us to the Beerfest. When he was about to leave he asked me on a lunch date. I was furious!! Apparently, he thought I was a d bag like him and his response was "So you love your husband that much?" Really, Captain D Bag!! If the guy from Saw kidnapped us together and made me choose from sawing my hands and feet off or staying and talking to you, my hands and feet go no questions asked!
So anyway, I get home and I'm starving. Anal Adam's up so I tell him the story while making a sandwich. I might as well have been talking to our dogs as much as he was listening. He went to bed, but I was still hungry. I decided I was going to eat some smoked gouda cheese on bread with butter on it. Yum!! I got out the knife Anal Adam sharpens everyday, and decided to cut me a few pieces of cheese with the knife from Hell. The knife slipped and attacked my left hand. I had a huge, deep laceration on my pointer finger by my finger nail and another cut on my knuckle. My finger had no chance against the demon possessed knife. I ran in the bedroom to show Anal Adam what had happened to me, and he said it wasn't a big deal and to go to sleep. Damn him!! I actually could feel my heartbeat in my finger. I wrapped it in paper towels, went to sleep on the couch with my finger elevated, and prayed I would make it to the morning. That morning Anal Adam and I were going to take a look at the cut. Some of the paper towel was stuck to the wound, and as I tried to take it off I felt this horrible pain and everything went black. I took 3 Aleve, and almost went to the ER to get them to put me under so they could stitch me up. EBO had to come over that night to clean the wound, and I almost clawed her eyes out with my right hand. All in all, for the damage that was done by the Demon knife, I think I handled everything well. 2 days later I stumped my toe and slashed it on my mirror.
The Black Cloud came for me, but as you can see I survived. I have no feeling in the tip of my finger, and Anal Adam won't let me use that knife again. I think in the back of his mind he knows its possessed too.
Captain D Bag gave EBO and I this rather sad story about how he came to live in Jackson and that he didn't have any friends. EBO checked out of his sob story long ago, but I was ready and willing to pick Captain D Bag up out of his misery and make his life in Jackson better. I got his number, told him he and my husband were going to be the best of buds, and I was going to invite him to the Beerfest. First of all, my husband would have kicked my ass if I brought this guy around him because his voice level never goes lower than a 50. Second of all, what the hell is wrong with me. Obviously he's been in Jackson for over 5 years without any friends for a reason. Captain D Bag got worse as the night went on. He told EBO and I he would love to drink our dirty bathwater, and he said "Why are all the hot bitches f'ing married? I mean damn it!" After saying this he proceeded to rip his shirt open exposing his gold chain and sexy pot belly. Needless to say, I wasn't going to invite him with us to the Beerfest. When he was about to leave he asked me on a lunch date. I was furious!! Apparently, he thought I was a d bag like him and his response was "So you love your husband that much?" Really, Captain D Bag!! If the guy from Saw kidnapped us together and made me choose from sawing my hands and feet off or staying and talking to you, my hands and feet go no questions asked!
So anyway, I get home and I'm starving. Anal Adam's up so I tell him the story while making a sandwich. I might as well have been talking to our dogs as much as he was listening. He went to bed, but I was still hungry. I decided I was going to eat some smoked gouda cheese on bread with butter on it. Yum!! I got out the knife Anal Adam sharpens everyday, and decided to cut me a few pieces of cheese with the knife from Hell. The knife slipped and attacked my left hand. I had a huge, deep laceration on my pointer finger by my finger nail and another cut on my knuckle. My finger had no chance against the demon possessed knife. I ran in the bedroom to show Anal Adam what had happened to me, and he said it wasn't a big deal and to go to sleep. Damn him!! I actually could feel my heartbeat in my finger. I wrapped it in paper towels, went to sleep on the couch with my finger elevated, and prayed I would make it to the morning. That morning Anal Adam and I were going to take a look at the cut. Some of the paper towel was stuck to the wound, and as I tried to take it off I felt this horrible pain and everything went black. I took 3 Aleve, and almost went to the ER to get them to put me under so they could stitch me up. EBO had to come over that night to clean the wound, and I almost clawed her eyes out with my right hand. All in all, for the damage that was done by the Demon knife, I think I handled everything well. 2 days later I stumped my toe and slashed it on my mirror.
The Black Cloud came for me, but as you can see I survived. I have no feeling in the tip of my finger, and Anal Adam won't let me use that knife again. I think in the back of his mind he knows its possessed too.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
My Adolescence
There are certain things women spend their money on. Mine is hair and shopping. I know that I sound shallow, but most of you don't know what I looked like when I was younger. When I was in the 4th grade, things didn't match up on me like they were supposed to. My bottom teeth were jacked up, and my right front tooth was longer than the left one. Obviously they were supposed to be even but I guess I was special. My teacher noticed that I read books 1 inch from my face, and I couldn't read anything that was more than a foot away. I had to get these sexy gold glasses that were at least 60 inches in diameter for each eye. Apparently I didn't think I was ugly enough, so I begged my mom for a bowl cut and then a perm on top of the bowl cut. One of my clever little classmates asked me if I stuck my finger in a light socket. I thought he was complimenting me. I was an airhead, too. So let me break this down for you I was 10-years-old with jacked up teeth, windshields as glasses, and a bowl cut with a perm on top.
By 5th grade I was trying to grow it out, so I would put my hair in ponytails every day. One time I was in the girls bathroom, and I scared the hell out of one of my friends because she thought I was a boy. She was actually mad at me, and I had to apologize to her for scaring her with my appearance.
By 6th grade me and 2 of my nerd friends formed a book sharing club that was very exclusive. No one wanted to be in it, but if they did they weren't allowed. I, also, had what I thought was my first boyfriend this year. It was my first kiss, and I guess since no one else wanted to kiss me but him that meant we were boyfriend girlfriend. 6 months later after he didn't call me after our first kiss, I thought it was time we broke up. I got my bestfriend, 1950s Supermom, to come over and listen in so she could help me break up with him. I said, "First boyfriend, I think it's time that we broke up because we never get to see each other." He said, "When were we ever dating?" 1950s Supermom started laughing so hard that First Boyfriend could hear, and we had to immediately hang up. I learned from that moment on that I was an even bigger loser than I ever thought I was before.
7th grade I was still a huge nerd loser, but I was gradually becoming symmetrical. Don't get me wrong, I was still uglier than hell but I had established a great sense of humor and I was funny. I had to do something since my looks were bringing me and my friends down. All the guys wanted to be boyfriends with my friends, especially 1950s Supermom, so they would come to me and ask for advice. It was awesome. All my crushes were asking me how to hook-up with all my friends. I'm pretty sure no one kissed me in the 7th grade.
8th grade was when I became the "She's All That" girl, but not really. I went to a hairdresser instead of a butcher to cut my hair, and I started wearing cooler clothes. It was like all of a sudden I wasn't repulsive but actually pretty cute. I had a deadly duo, too, because not only was I cuter but I had a cool personality to go with my new looks. I kissed more than one boy that year! I did have this astronomical crush on one boy who "played" me and this other girl. I was devastated! Usually the boys who wanted to kiss me didn't have any girls that wanted to kiss them. Not only had I kissed this boy, but he was so cute that many other girls kissed him too all around the same time. What a butthead!! So ugly gets you a great personality with loads of friend boys, cute gets your ass PLAYED!
9th grade me and several of my friends filled out, and we were all little "She's All That" hotties. We had so much fun, too. We didn't have a care in the world because we convinced ourselves we were the cutest and coolest things at Terry High (what what!!)! And then I met Anti-Christ. He went to another highschool, and he was the hottest thing I had ever seen. He was interested in me, and I thought I was the luckiest girl in South Jackson! We had an amazing whirlwind of a romance for the next 3 and a half years. He cheated on me with a girl at my highshcool (how embarrassing), girls in Clinton, Madison, Cleveland, and many many other places. I was so stupid that 1950s Supermom told me that she saw him hook up with one a girl at this party, and I told her that he told me she was going to think that but he was just leaning really close to that girl to get a drink. If you're not on the floor laughing right now, read that sentence again. He would always break up with me before each summer, too. Even though AC is evil and has a small brain, my dumb ass kept getting back together with him. If your boyfriend cheats and breaks up with you all the time, is mean to you, or is shady as hell and you stay with him, it's time you have a "Come to Jesus" intervention with yourself. YOU ARE AN IDIOT, and you should do the grown-up thing like I did and cuss him out and break up with him on his roommate's answering machine.
I'm a friend therapist now because of all the things you've just read. I help all who come to me, and I never deny my services to anyone. Not all people are lucky enough to learn what not to do by real life experiences, so I feel it is my duty to tell them. One should always take most of my advice about any topic, because obviously I have done the most embarrassing and uninteligent adolescent things any moron kid would do. I continue to do uninteligent things accidentally, but I have 1950s Supermom, seester, and Anal Adam who always help me through the grown-up stupid situations I have unintentionally put myself in. No matter what, though, I am always positively positive about my unwanted learning experiences!
By 5th grade I was trying to grow it out, so I would put my hair in ponytails every day. One time I was in the girls bathroom, and I scared the hell out of one of my friends because she thought I was a boy. She was actually mad at me, and I had to apologize to her for scaring her with my appearance.
By 6th grade me and 2 of my nerd friends formed a book sharing club that was very exclusive. No one wanted to be in it, but if they did they weren't allowed. I, also, had what I thought was my first boyfriend this year. It was my first kiss, and I guess since no one else wanted to kiss me but him that meant we were boyfriend girlfriend. 6 months later after he didn't call me after our first kiss, I thought it was time we broke up. I got my bestfriend, 1950s Supermom, to come over and listen in so she could help me break up with him. I said, "First boyfriend, I think it's time that we broke up because we never get to see each other." He said, "When were we ever dating?" 1950s Supermom started laughing so hard that First Boyfriend could hear, and we had to immediately hang up. I learned from that moment on that I was an even bigger loser than I ever thought I was before.
7th grade I was still a huge nerd loser, but I was gradually becoming symmetrical. Don't get me wrong, I was still uglier than hell but I had established a great sense of humor and I was funny. I had to do something since my looks were bringing me and my friends down. All the guys wanted to be boyfriends with my friends, especially 1950s Supermom, so they would come to me and ask for advice. It was awesome. All my crushes were asking me how to hook-up with all my friends. I'm pretty sure no one kissed me in the 7th grade.
8th grade was when I became the "She's All That" girl, but not really. I went to a hairdresser instead of a butcher to cut my hair, and I started wearing cooler clothes. It was like all of a sudden I wasn't repulsive but actually pretty cute. I had a deadly duo, too, because not only was I cuter but I had a cool personality to go with my new looks. I kissed more than one boy that year! I did have this astronomical crush on one boy who "played" me and this other girl. I was devastated! Usually the boys who wanted to kiss me didn't have any girls that wanted to kiss them. Not only had I kissed this boy, but he was so cute that many other girls kissed him too all around the same time. What a butthead!! So ugly gets you a great personality with loads of friend boys, cute gets your ass PLAYED!
9th grade me and several of my friends filled out, and we were all little "She's All That" hotties. We had so much fun, too. We didn't have a care in the world because we convinced ourselves we were the cutest and coolest things at Terry High (what what!!)! And then I met Anti-Christ. He went to another highschool, and he was the hottest thing I had ever seen. He was interested in me, and I thought I was the luckiest girl in South Jackson! We had an amazing whirlwind of a romance for the next 3 and a half years. He cheated on me with a girl at my highshcool (how embarrassing), girls in Clinton, Madison, Cleveland, and many many other places. I was so stupid that 1950s Supermom told me that she saw him hook up with one a girl at this party, and I told her that he told me she was going to think that but he was just leaning really close to that girl to get a drink. If you're not on the floor laughing right now, read that sentence again. He would always break up with me before each summer, too. Even though AC is evil and has a small brain, my dumb ass kept getting back together with him. If your boyfriend cheats and breaks up with you all the time, is mean to you, or is shady as hell and you stay with him, it's time you have a "Come to Jesus" intervention with yourself. YOU ARE AN IDIOT, and you should do the grown-up thing like I did and cuss him out and break up with him on his roommate's answering machine.
I'm a friend therapist now because of all the things you've just read. I help all who come to me, and I never deny my services to anyone. Not all people are lucky enough to learn what not to do by real life experiences, so I feel it is my duty to tell them. One should always take most of my advice about any topic, because obviously I have done the most embarrassing and uninteligent adolescent things any moron kid would do. I continue to do uninteligent things accidentally, but I have 1950s Supermom, seester, and Anal Adam who always help me through the grown-up stupid situations I have unintentionally put myself in. No matter what, though, I am always positively positive about my unwanted learning experiences!
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