My Adolescence

There are certain things women spend their money on. Mine is hair and shopping. I know that I sound shallow, but most of you don't know what I looked like when I was younger. When I was in the 4th grade, things didn't match up on me like they were supposed to. My bottom teeth were jacked up, and my right front tooth was longer than the left one. Obviously they were supposed to be even but I guess I was special. My teacher noticed that I read books 1 inch from my face, and I couldn't read anything that was more than a foot away. I had to get these sexy gold glasses that were at least 60 inches in diameter for each eye. Apparently I didn't think I was ugly enough, so I begged my mom for a bowl cut and then a perm on top of the bowl cut. One of my clever little classmates asked me if I stuck my finger in a light socket. I thought he was complimenting me. I was an airhead, too. So let me break this down for you I was 10-years-old with jacked up teeth, windshields as glasses, and a bowl cut with a perm on top.

By 5th grade I was trying to grow it out, so I would put my hair in ponytails every day. One time I was in the girls bathroom, and I scared the hell out of one of my friends because she thought I was a boy. She was actually mad at me, and I had to apologize to her for scaring her with my appearance.

By 6th grade me and 2 of my nerd friends formed a book sharing club that was very exclusive. No one wanted to be in it, but if they did they weren't allowed. I, also, had what I thought was my first boyfriend this year. It was my first kiss, and I guess since no one else wanted to kiss me but him that meant we were boyfriend girlfriend. 6 months later after he didn't call me after our first kiss, I thought it was time we broke up. I got my bestfriend, 1950s Supermom, to come over and listen in so she could help me break up with him. I said, "First boyfriend, I think it's time that we broke up because we never get to see each other." He said, "When were we ever dating?" 1950s Supermom started laughing so hard that First Boyfriend could hear, and we had to immediately hang up. I learned from that moment on that I was an even bigger loser than I ever thought I was before.

7th grade I was still a huge nerd loser, but I was gradually becoming symmetrical. Don't get me wrong, I was still uglier than hell but I had established a great sense of humor and I was funny. I had to do something since my looks were bringing me and my friends down. All the guys wanted to be boyfriends with my friends, especially 1950s Supermom, so they would come to me and ask for advice. It was awesome. All my crushes were asking me how to hook-up with all my friends. I'm pretty sure no one kissed me in the 7th grade.

8th grade was when I became the "She's All That" girl, but not really. I went to a hairdresser instead of a butcher to cut my hair, and I started wearing cooler clothes. It was like all of a sudden I wasn't repulsive but actually pretty cute. I had a deadly duo, too, because not only was I cuter but I had a cool personality to go with my new looks. I kissed more than one boy that year! I did have this astronomical crush on one boy who "played" me and this other girl. I was devastated! Usually the boys who wanted to kiss me didn't have any girls that wanted to kiss them. Not only had I kissed this boy, but he was so cute that many other girls kissed him too all around the same time. What a butthead!! So ugly gets you a great personality with loads of friend boys, cute gets your ass PLAYED!

9th grade me and several of my friends filled out, and we were all little "She's All That" hotties. We had so much fun, too. We didn't have a care in the world because we convinced ourselves we were the cutest and coolest things at Terry High (what what!!)! And then I met Anti-Christ. He went to another highschool, and he was the hottest thing I had ever seen. He was interested in me, and I thought I was the luckiest girl in South Jackson! We had an amazing whirlwind of a romance for the next 3 and a half years. He cheated on me with a girl at my highshcool (how embarrassing), girls in Clinton, Madison, Cleveland, and many many other places. I was so stupid that 1950s Supermom told me that she saw him hook up with one a girl at this party, and I told her that he told me she was going to think that but he was just leaning really close to that girl to get a drink. If you're not on the floor laughing right now, read that sentence again. He would always break up with me before each summer, too. Even though AC is evil and has a small brain, my dumb ass kept getting back together with him. If your boyfriend cheats and breaks up with you all the time, is mean to you, or is shady as hell and you stay with him, it's time you have a "Come to Jesus" intervention with yourself. YOU ARE AN IDIOT, and you should do the grown-up thing like I did and cuss him out and break up with him on his roommate's answering machine.

I'm a friend therapist now because of all the things you've just read. I help all who come to me, and I never deny my services to anyone. Not all people are lucky enough to learn what not to do by real life experiences, so I feel it is my duty to tell them. One should always take most of my advice about any topic, because obviously I have done the most embarrassing and uninteligent adolescent things any moron kid would do. I continue to do uninteligent things accidentally, but I have 1950s Supermom, seester, and Anal Adam who always help me through the grown-up stupid situations I have unintentionally put myself in. No matter what, though, I am always positively positive about my unwanted learning experiences!