Captain D Bag and the Demon Knife

A couple of things have been going on in my life recently, such as knife fights with myself and meeting a loser. The other week I went to play doubles tennis with my friends EBO, Becky, and Walk On. After I won both my matches because I'm amazing I took my friend EBO out for a beer. I had to buy the beer because I won my matches and she lost hers. It really didn't make sense, but I was so excited I was awesome I didn't care. While we were sitting there we had a couple of gentlemen sit next to us. One was a quiet older man who seemed like a gentle kitten. The other was a loud mouth weird ass who made up what he did for a living because he's so funny that I'd rather have razors inserted into my ears than listen to him.

Captain D Bag gave EBO and I this rather sad story about how he came to live in Jackson and that he didn't have any friends. EBO checked out of his sob story long ago, but I was ready and willing to pick Captain D Bag up out of his misery and make his life in Jackson better. I got his number, told him he and my husband were going to be the best of buds, and I was going to invite him to the Beerfest. First of all, my husband would have kicked my ass if I brought this guy around him because his voice level never goes lower than a 50. Second of all, what the hell is wrong with me. Obviously he's been in Jackson for over 5 years without any friends for a reason. Captain D Bag got worse as the night went on. He told EBO and I he would love to drink our dirty bathwater, and he said "Why are all the hot bitches f'ing married? I mean damn it!" After saying this he proceeded to rip his shirt open exposing his gold chain and sexy pot belly. Needless to say, I wasn't going to invite him with us to the Beerfest. When he was about to leave he asked me on a lunch date. I was furious!! Apparently, he thought I was a d bag like him and his response was "So you love your husband that much?" Really, Captain D Bag!! If the guy from Saw kidnapped us together and made me choose from sawing my hands and feet off or staying and talking to you, my hands and feet go no questions asked!

So anyway, I get home and I'm starving. Anal Adam's up so I tell him the story while making a sandwich. I might as well have been talking to our dogs as much as he was listening. He went to bed, but I was still hungry. I decided I was going to eat some smoked gouda cheese on bread with butter on it. Yum!! I got out the knife Anal Adam sharpens everyday, and decided to cut me a few pieces of cheese with the knife from Hell. The knife slipped and attacked my left hand. I had a huge, deep laceration on my pointer finger by my finger nail and another cut on my knuckle. My finger had no chance against the demon possessed knife. I ran in the bedroom to show Anal Adam what had happened to me, and he said it wasn't a big deal and to go to sleep. Damn him!! I actually could feel my heartbeat in my finger. I wrapped it in paper towels, went to sleep on the couch with my finger elevated, and prayed I would make it to the morning. That morning Anal Adam and I were going to take a look at the cut. Some of the paper towel was stuck to the wound, and as I tried to take it off I felt this horrible pain and everything went black. I took 3 Aleve, and almost went to the ER to get them to put me under so they could stitch me up. EBO had to come over that night to clean the wound, and I almost clawed her eyes out with my right hand. All in all, for the damage that was done by the Demon knife, I think I handled everything well. 2 days later I stumped my toe and slashed it on my mirror.

The Black Cloud came for me, but as you can see I survived. I have no feeling in the tip of my finger, and Anal Adam won't let me use that knife again. I think in the back of his mind he knows its possessed too.