CHRISTMAS

I love Christmas so much I could scream. This year Anal Adam and I were the first to get our Christmas tree. Last year we waited too long, and not only did our tree have a huge hole in it, it had about 5 branches. I bought us bells and pins to wear while we were at Lowe's picking out our amazing tree. Anal Adam didn't wear any of his Christmas attire and while I was looking off he had already chosen the tree. We wrapped it up, got it home, and it was probably the smallest tree in the whole lot. I'm 5'2 and I could touch the top. I almost comitted physical abuse on my husband. What was he thinking?? I told him I wanted a Griswald Tree, and he got a practical one. He also thought the tree only needed 2 strands of lights. I put 2 strands just on the top. Our Christmas tree was going to look like the North Star was sitting in or living room. I also had a bow made that Anal Adam thought was too big for the tree. I quickly informed him that the bow was the indication of the size of tree we were going to have next year!

This year I decided that I needed to combine Anal Adam's Christmas traditions with my Christmas traditions. He has so many, and I had to make up some because he was starting to mess with my Christmas decorations. He didn't understand why we didn't have colored lights, and I had to tell him what year it was. His mother makes a Christmas stocking for each new member of the Masley clan. I decided I was going to make Christmas stockings for our Masley dogs. It took me 6 hours to make 2 stockings. After I was done and I had to do back tricks to get up, I got Anal Adam to come see what I did. Needless to say "that looks good baby" didn't sit very well with me. I wanted to return all of his presents that came from the North Pole and shove the new ashes and switches up is South Pole! I really wanted to frame my hand crafted Christmas stockings instead of hanging them!! After the "that looks good baby" comment, he never mentioned traditions to me again.

I've decided to create a tradition with my Goddaughter. I'm going to give her a Christopher Radko ornament every year for Christmas because all my friends assured me they wouldn't be going away anytime soon. In theory this seemed like a good idea. The ornament is expensive as hell and it's glass. I almost broke it while putting her name on the bottom. As soon as she opened it she wanted to play with it, but it's glass so we had to take her Christmas present away from her. She really won't be able to enjoy it until she's in her late 20's. Think, Morgan, think!

Moving on to Chrismas day. Apparently I'm one of those horrible Santa's that you better give a standing ovation or cry dramatically over your gift or I'm going to get my feelings hurt. This year my mom cried, and, of course, I see that as a HUGE success. Anal Adam on the other hand did the, "Thank you, I needed that." Oh husband, that's just what I wanted to hear after asking your idiot friends, trying to listen and remember little comments you would say over the past 6 months, find your size in all your men stuff, and all the while trying to keep it a secret. My friend got her husband a double something shotgun and some ostrich type boots, and my husbands drool got all over me while she was telling him the details. He said he needed a suit and a sports coat!!! WTF!!! Make a list!!!!!

This Christmas I ordered myself and Anal Adam 4 pieces of luggage that I told everyone they would have to participate in buying. In my head, everyone thought this was a great idea and were more than willing to hand me Christmas money. In reality, it was a lot different. I'm going to have to pay for most of it, because turns out Anal Adam didn't want luggage that badly. Althought things don't happen the way you planned, there is always a lesson learned. One day I'll actually learn on of those lessons.