Thursday, March 24, 2011
Married Men
The guys in highschool are more or likely sweet and doting. The southern gentlemen in them open the door, pay for the meal, and get you home at a decent hour. They love everything about you, until they realize that another girl might be interested in them. You then see them fading away and realize you don't have them in the palm of your hand anymore. You've been replaced by a new model, and you now look like an idiot. The late bloomers do the above first couple of steps, and then they, also. find a different model. It happens in college, too, but, sadly, it's simultaneously while you're dating them. Some women will continue to date them. I was one of those idiots. We're stupid and aren't taking the hints. As I was one of those idiots, I hope it's not hereditary. The previous mentioned men are now some of our husbands. A few things have changed, though. The sexy, hard to get men are living in our house, peeing on our toilet seats, bugging the hell out of us every chance they get, and, in some extreme cases, telling us women are hitting on them. I remember when Anal Adam and I were dating, and I would make sure every eyelash was separated evenly, my clothes showed just enough skin, and I had worked out so hard that week for the perfect body I almost got a heat stroke. Anal Adam broke up with me after 4 months of dating, and I worked out the next few weeks and starved myself so he would think I was irresistable the next time he saw me. He wouldn't be able to say no to my woman charm. We got back together, but it wasn't over a mature dinner but a night at the club. Believe it or not, Anal Adam got scared, dumped me, and NONE of it had to do with my looks. My husband was once considered a player. I didn't know that then, and I sure as hell wouldn't know that now. After about 2 years of marriage, I find myself hiding from him for some flippin privacy. I remember working out for hours a day to make him think I'm hot, and I've locked my amazing sex pot out of the guest bedroom so I could lay on the bed without being bothered. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but Anal Adam will make me explain exactly what he did that made me mad. This causes me to go into a fit of rage, and I try all I can not to kill him with the closest hard object next to me. If I don't put my dishes in the dishwater within 24 hours, Anal Adam puts my unclean dishes on my desk in my office. The man definitely didn't do that shit while we were dating! So while some men love to act like their wives are hard core making them do all theses things they don't want to do, it's complete bullcrap. Men are smart, REAL smart. They have used us as escape plans. Anal Adam uses me as an escape plan every time someone asks him to do something. I've the witch of the Northeast J town because of his ass! Anal Adam goes to bed at 8 pm every night, puts anything I own thats out (stapler included) in my purse, and he thinks I'm hot when I have no makeup on and gross. Where was this information while I was at the gym all week buying skimpy clothes to make him want me?? So women, men don't care what we look like, always, and they sure as hell don't care what we wear. We've got to quit focusing on thinking about what they want because they're stupid. They want us, sans our crazy tendencies. We chose to marry the players, the nice guys, and the free spirits and the only way it will last is if they except us for who we are and vice versa. Happy hunting!!
What Month Is It?
So recently I've been trying extra hard to be positively positive, and I've about had it. This month I have been in Memphis every week, and one week I was in training in Indianapolis. Indianapolis is a place where I would die happy if I never had to go back. The people there don't have friends. The city has individuals, I call Onesies, running around scaring the shit out of other people. My friend BB and I were walking to Forever 21 and we were almost attacked by a couple of Onesies. The Onesies need to go to a local fast food, clothing, or Goodwill store and get a damn job!!! BB had to show me that one Onesy wasn't pregnant needing money, she just shoved a bunch of crap up her shirt. What a slut!! I totally fell for it!
While we were at training, we did go home and study every night. I tried to, but people peer pressured me to go out. The last night we went to eat at this awesome restaurant. Some chose to go home and get ready for our presentation the next day. Some chose a different path that led to bowling with alcohol and karaoke with alcohol. You can only guess where I was peer pressured into going.
Let me just say that I hope my bowling skills never indicate how I will succeed in life. I bowled a 27 TOTAL my first round. If you don't know anything about bowling, people who miss thier turn several times do better than that. WTF!! I will say I think I may have redeemed myself at karaoke. I sang "F* You" by Cee Lo the first song, and the crowd went wild. The second song I got cocky (alcohol induced), and I sang "Can Anybody Find Me Somebody to Love" by Queen. Not really sure why I continued. Could I just have been the one hit wonder? Lesson learned: stop while ahead.
So I'm back home, and I'm drinking wine watching "Predator 2". Life really doesn't get much better than this. When I get done with my job, I like to ache from laying around too much. I think most people feel that way but are afraid to admit it. I, also, think I tell myself that because I am one of the laziest people on the planet. Positive Point: tomorrow is Friday, laying on my couch is at my fingertips!
While we were at training, we did go home and study every night. I tried to, but people peer pressured me to go out. The last night we went to eat at this awesome restaurant. Some chose to go home and get ready for our presentation the next day. Some chose a different path that led to bowling with alcohol and karaoke with alcohol. You can only guess where I was peer pressured into going.
Let me just say that I hope my bowling skills never indicate how I will succeed in life. I bowled a 27 TOTAL my first round. If you don't know anything about bowling, people who miss thier turn several times do better than that. WTF!! I will say I think I may have redeemed myself at karaoke. I sang "F* You" by Cee Lo the first song, and the crowd went wild. The second song I got cocky (alcohol induced), and I sang "Can Anybody Find Me Somebody to Love" by Queen. Not really sure why I continued. Could I just have been the one hit wonder? Lesson learned: stop while ahead.
So I'm back home, and I'm drinking wine watching "Predator 2". Life really doesn't get much better than this. When I get done with my job, I like to ache from laying around too much. I think most people feel that way but are afraid to admit it. I, also, think I tell myself that because I am one of the laziest people on the planet. Positive Point: tomorrow is Friday, laying on my couch is at my fingertips!
Friday, February 18, 2011
A New World
So my blog actually had readers (my friends), and they wanted more stories. I just read over the stories I came up with and they were horrible. It was torture reading them. I know I could delete them, but I thought what the hell. I was trying to be funny when I realized that my friends don't laugh with me but at me. Bitches!
With my new job I call on Neuro, Orthopedic, and General surgeons. Once upon a time, I felt intimidated to speak to any physician, and I would repeat my pitch over and over in my head before speaking. I still do that, but what I practice in my head never comes out. Southerners have a talent of cussing. Those who act like they don't are full of it and have fits in the closet. I'm a medical device sales rep. I'm not a biology major, a medical student, and most of all I'm not a doctor. The training I went to was not equivalent of medical school or any other schooling that would fool me into thinking I was equivalent to a physician. Some reps do think that, though. They think that their training class was equal to the first year of med school. Question: Then why the hell aren't you in med school. Some people really think the physicians see them as peers in the aspect of them practicing medicine. That makes me want to lay in the middle of the interstate. I'm doing my job when I know everything about my product, where to treat, and where not to treat in certain surgeries. Other than that, I'm selling women's clothes on the weekend enjoying my BA in Business.
So every day I'm around these guys who were cheated out of a medical career in some form or fashion. I don't see myself as one of those sales reps. I see myself as one of those sales reps that holds up the walls, is a fly on the wall, gives moral support, whatever to ensure I don't get yelled at. The doctor doesn't ask me for a damn thing, and I prefer it that way. Some reps will know I'm new and come up to me and regurgitate a bunch of shit they've learned in training and over the years to sound smart. Some will just treat me like I'm a sales rep, like I'm normal! It's actually funny to run across arrogant sales reps who are in the same industry as you. Have you ever been to McDonald's and seen one of the cashiers be arrogant to the guy operating the cashier station next to them? Hell no!!! It's the same damn thing! What a complete waste of energy! I bet in a bar fight as those arrogant asses are sent to the ER, they will make a ton of money from the doctors having to use their products to put them back together.
As a woman in this career, I'm over the ego and the misconception that reps are supposed to know as much as the doctor. If you ever have surgery, you might have sales reps in the OR but I promise we dont' touch anything. The physician who studied medicine for 40 years and performed surgery on thousands of patients is in charge of you. A sales rep holds up the wall and makes sure their devices are used correctly. We're not as cool as we think we are!!!
With my new job I call on Neuro, Orthopedic, and General surgeons. Once upon a time, I felt intimidated to speak to any physician, and I would repeat my pitch over and over in my head before speaking. I still do that, but what I practice in my head never comes out. Southerners have a talent of cussing. Those who act like they don't are full of it and have fits in the closet. I'm a medical device sales rep. I'm not a biology major, a medical student, and most of all I'm not a doctor. The training I went to was not equivalent of medical school or any other schooling that would fool me into thinking I was equivalent to a physician. Some reps do think that, though. They think that their training class was equal to the first year of med school. Question: Then why the hell aren't you in med school. Some people really think the physicians see them as peers in the aspect of them practicing medicine. That makes me want to lay in the middle of the interstate. I'm doing my job when I know everything about my product, where to treat, and where not to treat in certain surgeries. Other than that, I'm selling women's clothes on the weekend enjoying my BA in Business.
So every day I'm around these guys who were cheated out of a medical career in some form or fashion. I don't see myself as one of those sales reps. I see myself as one of those sales reps that holds up the walls, is a fly on the wall, gives moral support, whatever to ensure I don't get yelled at. The doctor doesn't ask me for a damn thing, and I prefer it that way. Some reps will know I'm new and come up to me and regurgitate a bunch of shit they've learned in training and over the years to sound smart. Some will just treat me like I'm a sales rep, like I'm normal! It's actually funny to run across arrogant sales reps who are in the same industry as you. Have you ever been to McDonald's and seen one of the cashiers be arrogant to the guy operating the cashier station next to them? Hell no!!! It's the same damn thing! What a complete waste of energy! I bet in a bar fight as those arrogant asses are sent to the ER, they will make a ton of money from the doctors having to use their products to put them back together.
As a woman in this career, I'm over the ego and the misconception that reps are supposed to know as much as the doctor. If you ever have surgery, you might have sales reps in the OR but I promise we dont' touch anything. The physician who studied medicine for 40 years and performed surgery on thousands of patients is in charge of you. A sales rep holds up the wall and makes sure their devices are used correctly. We're not as cool as we think we are!!!
Friday, December 31, 2010
Scottish Imposter
This is a warning to the hotmail users. A hacker stole my e-mail stuff and my Facebook stuff, and sent an email to my entire contact list telling them the following:
"I'm stuck in Scotland with my family and all our money and passports were stolen. Please send me $2,500, and I'll explain what happened when I get home.
First of all, my family is divorced and my mom and dad avoid each other like the Plague. Second of all none of my friends would have sent money because they would have been pissed I didn't tell them I went to Scotland. Hackers should really do their homework before completely ruining someone's e-mail life.
The best part about this e-mail farce was that I was getting 2 root canals the day it was sent. My friends and family were calling me asking me what was going on, but they couldn't understand me when I was explaining what had happened because I was barely unable to talk. Oh and I was doped up on pain killers because of my extreme pain. This hacker may think noone knows who he/she is, but God knows and he's going to get you!!!
I'm still unable to get into Hotmail or Facebook, because they don't believe it's me trying to gain access to my own account. The ironic part of that is, is that I'm going to have to become a hacker to gain access to all my stuff. All I have to say is damn it!
"I'm stuck in Scotland with my family and all our money and passports were stolen. Please send me $2,500, and I'll explain what happened when I get home.
First of all, my family is divorced and my mom and dad avoid each other like the Plague. Second of all none of my friends would have sent money because they would have been pissed I didn't tell them I went to Scotland. Hackers should really do their homework before completely ruining someone's e-mail life.
The best part about this e-mail farce was that I was getting 2 root canals the day it was sent. My friends and family were calling me asking me what was going on, but they couldn't understand me when I was explaining what had happened because I was barely unable to talk. Oh and I was doped up on pain killers because of my extreme pain. This hacker may think noone knows who he/she is, but God knows and he's going to get you!!!
I'm still unable to get into Hotmail or Facebook, because they don't believe it's me trying to gain access to my own account. The ironic part of that is, is that I'm going to have to become a hacker to gain access to all my stuff. All I have to say is damn it!
CHRISTMAS
I love Christmas so much I could scream. This year Anal Adam and I were the first to get our Christmas tree. Last year we waited too long, and not only did our tree have a huge hole in it, it had about 5 branches. I bought us bells and pins to wear while we were at Lowe's picking out our amazing tree. Anal Adam didn't wear any of his Christmas attire and while I was looking off he had already chosen the tree. We wrapped it up, got it home, and it was probably the smallest tree in the whole lot. I'm 5'2 and I could touch the top. I almost comitted physical abuse on my husband. What was he thinking?? I told him I wanted a Griswald Tree, and he got a practical one. He also thought the tree only needed 2 strands of lights. I put 2 strands just on the top. Our Christmas tree was going to look like the North Star was sitting in or living room. I also had a bow made that Anal Adam thought was too big for the tree. I quickly informed him that the bow was the indication of the size of tree we were going to have next year!
This year I decided that I needed to combine Anal Adam's Christmas traditions with my Christmas traditions. He has so many, and I had to make up some because he was starting to mess with my Christmas decorations. He didn't understand why we didn't have colored lights, and I had to tell him what year it was. His mother makes a Christmas stocking for each new member of the Masley clan. I decided I was going to make Christmas stockings for our Masley dogs. It took me 6 hours to make 2 stockings. After I was done and I had to do back tricks to get up, I got Anal Adam to come see what I did. Needless to say "that looks good baby" didn't sit very well with me. I wanted to return all of his presents that came from the North Pole and shove the new ashes and switches up is South Pole! I really wanted to frame my hand crafted Christmas stockings instead of hanging them!! After the "that looks good baby" comment, he never mentioned traditions to me again.
I've decided to create a tradition with my Goddaughter. I'm going to give her a Christopher Radko ornament every year for Christmas because all my friends assured me they wouldn't be going away anytime soon. In theory this seemed like a good idea. The ornament is expensive as hell and it's glass. I almost broke it while putting her name on the bottom. As soon as she opened it she wanted to play with it, but it's glass so we had to take her Christmas present away from her. She really won't be able to enjoy it until she's in her late 20's. Think, Morgan, think!
Moving on to Chrismas day. Apparently I'm one of those horrible Santa's that you better give a standing ovation or cry dramatically over your gift or I'm going to get my feelings hurt. This year my mom cried, and, of course, I see that as a HUGE success. Anal Adam on the other hand did the, "Thank you, I needed that." Oh husband, that's just what I wanted to hear after asking your idiot friends, trying to listen and remember little comments you would say over the past 6 months, find your size in all your men stuff, and all the while trying to keep it a secret. My friend got her husband a double something shotgun and some ostrich type boots, and my husbands drool got all over me while she was telling him the details. He said he needed a suit and a sports coat!!! WTF!!! Make a list!!!!!
This Christmas I ordered myself and Anal Adam 4 pieces of luggage that I told everyone they would have to participate in buying. In my head, everyone thought this was a great idea and were more than willing to hand me Christmas money. In reality, it was a lot different. I'm going to have to pay for most of it, because turns out Anal Adam didn't want luggage that badly. Althought things don't happen the way you planned, there is always a lesson learned. One day I'll actually learn on of those lessons.
This year I decided that I needed to combine Anal Adam's Christmas traditions with my Christmas traditions. He has so many, and I had to make up some because he was starting to mess with my Christmas decorations. He didn't understand why we didn't have colored lights, and I had to tell him what year it was. His mother makes a Christmas stocking for each new member of the Masley clan. I decided I was going to make Christmas stockings for our Masley dogs. It took me 6 hours to make 2 stockings. After I was done and I had to do back tricks to get up, I got Anal Adam to come see what I did. Needless to say "that looks good baby" didn't sit very well with me. I wanted to return all of his presents that came from the North Pole and shove the new ashes and switches up is South Pole! I really wanted to frame my hand crafted Christmas stockings instead of hanging them!! After the "that looks good baby" comment, he never mentioned traditions to me again.
I've decided to create a tradition with my Goddaughter. I'm going to give her a Christopher Radko ornament every year for Christmas because all my friends assured me they wouldn't be going away anytime soon. In theory this seemed like a good idea. The ornament is expensive as hell and it's glass. I almost broke it while putting her name on the bottom. As soon as she opened it she wanted to play with it, but it's glass so we had to take her Christmas present away from her. She really won't be able to enjoy it until she's in her late 20's. Think, Morgan, think!
Moving on to Chrismas day. Apparently I'm one of those horrible Santa's that you better give a standing ovation or cry dramatically over your gift or I'm going to get my feelings hurt. This year my mom cried, and, of course, I see that as a HUGE success. Anal Adam on the other hand did the, "Thank you, I needed that." Oh husband, that's just what I wanted to hear after asking your idiot friends, trying to listen and remember little comments you would say over the past 6 months, find your size in all your men stuff, and all the while trying to keep it a secret. My friend got her husband a double something shotgun and some ostrich type boots, and my husbands drool got all over me while she was telling him the details. He said he needed a suit and a sports coat!!! WTF!!! Make a list!!!!!
This Christmas I ordered myself and Anal Adam 4 pieces of luggage that I told everyone they would have to participate in buying. In my head, everyone thought this was a great idea and were more than willing to hand me Christmas money. In reality, it was a lot different. I'm going to have to pay for most of it, because turns out Anal Adam didn't want luggage that badly. Althought things don't happen the way you planned, there is always a lesson learned. One day I'll actually learn on of those lessons.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wrapping
This year I decided to buy matching wrapping paper and my presents were going to be absolutely beautiful. I bought two different kinds with two different designs as well as some gorgeous ribbon to wrap around the presents. Unfortunately I bought the most uncool thing a wrapper could ever buy, stick on bows. I didn't find out until later that they how absolutely horrendous they were until I heard some ladies talking about wrapping later that week. One lady even used the phrase "so bad, it was worse than stick on bows". I wasn't about to fight that crowd again to return the 99 cent bows, so everyone got a stick on bow present this year. You can only imagine my humiliation.
The paper was apparently made from people who don't like Christmas. You know how paper is supposed to slide straight as the scissors shear it?? Well this paper was obviously made for the most skilled wrappers. I sat in the middle of my floor slaving over a 5x7 gift. The damn paper would tear, and nothing was even. Also, my tape kept getting dog hair in it because it's part of my house decor. All of my presents this year have dog hair in it. I tried to convince myself it was like fur, but dog hair isn't fur it's colored needles.
The ribbon I bought didn't go with my wrapping paper either. After all was said and done, my Christmas presents were the ugliest things I've ever put together since the 3rd grade. I probably should have stopped myself after the whole stick on bow fiasco. Next year everyone will receive their Christmas presents in bags.
The paper was apparently made from people who don't like Christmas. You know how paper is supposed to slide straight as the scissors shear it?? Well this paper was obviously made for the most skilled wrappers. I sat in the middle of my floor slaving over a 5x7 gift. The damn paper would tear, and nothing was even. Also, my tape kept getting dog hair in it because it's part of my house decor. All of my presents this year have dog hair in it. I tried to convince myself it was like fur, but dog hair isn't fur it's colored needles.
The ribbon I bought didn't go with my wrapping paper either. After all was said and done, my Christmas presents were the ugliest things I've ever put together since the 3rd grade. I probably should have stopped myself after the whole stick on bow fiasco. Next year everyone will receive their Christmas presents in bags.
New Job
So I started a new job, and it's amazing which means I have no life. I'm an associate account rep which means I answer to tons of people. On the tote-um-pole (no idea??) I would be on the very very bottom. It's the most amazing job I've ever had, and I feel dumb every day. For 2 weeks I was away at training. Some people had the audacity to tell me 2 weeks wasn't that long. I should have reserved them a room beside me and asked them what they thought after the two weeks of school and studying 4 plane rides away from home was. I hate talking those One Up people. You and I know who they are, but for some reason the One Up people don't realize who they are. One Ups always have something worse or better going on in their lives, and they are not afraid to tell you. Please figure out who are and STOP!
At traingin in the North, I apparently was Mrs. Southern Belle dumb ass. There were 2 awards you got at the end of the class: Most Valuable Player (I thought I had it in the bag) and Most Improved Player (we thought that was the biggest tool of the class). After 2 weeks of training, all A's, and a big 100.5 for my final grade, I set home back to Mississippi with Most Improved Player. Really?? I think it was because I gagged at the cadaver lab and sometimes accidentally spoke before I fully thought about what I was saying. A huge attribute, in addition to my brains, I was going to bring to the table was my ability to play sports. To my astonishment everyone there was not only brilliant, they also played sports better than me. It was like the Olympics of salespeople. Lesson learned: No matter how good you feel you are at something, there is always someone better than you in everything.
At traingin in the North, I apparently was Mrs. Southern Belle dumb ass. There were 2 awards you got at the end of the class: Most Valuable Player (I thought I had it in the bag) and Most Improved Player (we thought that was the biggest tool of the class). After 2 weeks of training, all A's, and a big 100.5 for my final grade, I set home back to Mississippi with Most Improved Player. Really?? I think it was because I gagged at the cadaver lab and sometimes accidentally spoke before I fully thought about what I was saying. A huge attribute, in addition to my brains, I was going to bring to the table was my ability to play sports. To my astonishment everyone there was not only brilliant, they also played sports better than me. It was like the Olympics of salespeople. Lesson learned: No matter how good you feel you are at something, there is always someone better than you in everything.
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